Laughter and Tears

Pondering...

2008-02-06T23:31:00.001-08:00

So, here's a question for tonight...

At what point does it all just become too much fucking work to bother anymore?

When every conversation turns into a fight?

When you look at each other and can't see past the resentment?

Moreover...how the hell do you end up there without realizing it?

You know, though...it all just keeps cementing in my theories about love and attraction. Big ol' fat ruse by Mother Nature to make sure the species survives.

Make women dumb enough to continue to put up with men's shit...so we'll keep having babies.
Make us fall so stupidly in love...so we'll keep having babies.
Make us so enthralled by the ideas of romance and weddings, honeymoons, intimacy...so we'll keep having babies.

I feel duped, and pissed.

I love my kiddos, not even a point to debate here. But in some ways, it feels like my choices for having them were limited by this force...a force for which I've yet to come up with a witty name.

Think about it. Why the hell would we even GET married if not to have kids and further the species? Marriage...in a word, generally sucks. It's so much better to just shack up with someone. When you've both had enough of each other, it's ten times easier to say goodbye.

But I digress...

I'm tired of being under someone's thumb. I'm tired of being scrutinized. I'm tired of being pulled in a dozen directions. And I'm REALLY tired of always falling short of my husband's unrealistic expectations of me. Am I perfect? Faaaaar from it. Am I easy to live with? Probably easier to live with a pissy porcupine. So, I definitely don't blame him entirely for our problems.

But...

I feel at this stage that the only way for him to be perfectly happy with me is if the following scenario were true...

...he comes in from work, house is neat, kids are quietly playing something. Dinner is done or almost done, and my chores are done for the day, meaning no laundry or anything to do after the kids are in bed that might distract me from HIM. Bills are all paid, without ever having to juggle anything or make a mistake now and then. I'm dressed in a manner he appreciates, and I'm in a good mood. He doesn't want to see me cranky after a day with kids, or wiped out in any way. I should have had all my 'me' time BEFORE he got home, so again, I'm not distracted from him. I must agree with everythi...

Nah. Nevermind. Some of it isn't true, though it feels like it. In reality, the only way he's ever going to be happy is if I stop playing in Second Life all together. I'm really angry at him right now.

And I'm really REALLY tired of fighting for this marriage and getting nowhere.

So I refer you back to my opening questions in this post.

Unfuckingbelievable.

2007-12-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

I'm so beyond frustrated this morning.

Oct 27, I submitted to my husband. It was a new beginning for us, and some of it still works beautifully. But I should have paid attention to the advice I read that one should not attempt a D/s relationship if the marriage is troubled. And in my case, I now see why.

Somehow, Tony believed that this new relationship meant I was going to give up everything that in any way incensed him, made him feel insecure, made him suspicious...whatever. Which probably sounds reasonable to most people, except every little thing I do causes a reaction of that sort in him. "Who were you on the phone with?" "Why did you close that window when I walked in the room?" "Who are you talking to (while in IM on the computer)?" The answers, of course, don't matter, because no matter what I tell him (the truth, obviously), he continues to believe in "Becky's Nefarious Plan to Destroy Tony". He refuses to listen to reason. He refuses to listen to ANYthing other than his own neurosis. So, I'm going to continue this post just for him. Let us see if I can include everything he thinks I'm doing.

****
I get up every morning and get Gregory to school. Then, I log into Second Life. The only time I'll log off for the next 12 hours is to relog for lag or glitch purposes, or if the game/region/sim crashes. I log in to my home site in world, decide which male player I'm looking to impress today and dress accordingly. If none of them are on, well, I just sit in my apartment and pine over them. So many men...my entire friends list, all forty or so of them, men men men!!! And of course, all of them are in on it. *snicker* Did you know that? I got forty men to agree to be part of my "Becky's Nefarious Plan to Destroy Tony". How GREAT am I? None of them have real lives at all, they're, all part of just my little life.

I might get a little police work in. I might write a report, call upon my creative skills to come up with a new storyline for my character, who is, after all only single because she can't decide among the 934 men who want to be hers. And she only works every second of her life to hang around all those sexy male cops. She really does no police work at all. Her boss is well and truly fooled by the genius displayed to solve cases, write fabulous reports, and run the entire police department when the Chief is not around. Muhahaha! I am viciously awesome.

So, sooner or later, one of those male friends of mine logs on. And let the fun begin! I've mastered the art of keeping the kids happy and their needs met on a level enough to fool the family. Nick actually can cook now. He makes lunch for Fia and himself most days while I sit, fixated on the computer, chewing on whatever edible substance I can grab quickly and get back to the desk. I can't quite get him to wash dishes though. So, everyone getting mad at me for the messy kitchen isn't really my fault. He just hasn't learned to clean up after himself yet.

Midian City...my home away from home. Oh, it's not a hobby, it's where I want to live. Post-apocalyptic ruins, criminals, whores, cybernetic beings, vampires, lycans, nekos...god...heaven on the screen. I'd never log off if I had my own computer and could get the kids to really take care of themselves and the house. I just don't quite trust Gregory with the toilet cleaner yet, and Fia has SO much trouble vacuuming the stairs. Ah, I suppose I'll have to continue to do some of it on my own. Well, they'll just have to live without me in world for 10 or so minutes here and there.

Some days I get a little tired of the post-war chaos. My character has so many men catering to her that it just gets to be TOO overwhelming. So I'll pick one, (because, after all, I can't BE in world without at LEAST one man by my side, can I??) and we'll venture out into another sim. See, I actually get really bored with Midian sometimes. So, I've created in actuality, thirteen other characters!! Most people would log off when they're bored, but not me! And NOT my men! We are ALWAYS in world until someone in our non-SL lives makes it impossible *POUT*

I'll list my characters here for you...you'll see the wide diversity in them, I'm sure. I'll start with the most important ones and work my way down.

Captain Alegria "Al" Dagostino, Midian City. Post apocalyptic dangerous island city. Second in command of the Midian Police Department, Commander of the Special Investigations unit. Sounds like a lot of hard police work, doesn't it? It's not...it's all just a ploy to get to have cybersex with lots and lots of pixels!

Alegria Dagostino, Necrotica Isle. Medieval city in present day, populated with all sorts. Seneschal Vampire in a coven called "Blood of the Sun". Seeking to destroy all evil in hopes of regaining mortality and redemption. Again, pretty awesome plot, huh? Just another ploy. Did I mention how incredibly sexy male vampires are? Momma.

Those are the two biggies. The rest of these are just here and there.

Alie, Fusion Beach. Nude beach bum. The only thing she wears is bling. Flashy jewelry, spiked stilettos, belly ring, tattoos. The ho-iest hair you can imagine. Sex every 10 minutes, boy, I promise you that.

Alegria, Korova Milk Bar. Dancer. Need I say more?

Ale, Thraldom Slave Auction. I get a new master every couple of weeks when they're too exhausted to take any more of me. As long as someone keeps me in a collar, I'm set!

Mistress Alegria, BDSM Haven. Dominatrix for hire. It's nice to have a break from the slave trade now and then. Makes good money too.

The rest of the characters are just variations on those. It's all about sex anyway, so the details really don't matter. As long as I have something to keep me IN world, fucking some male av's brains out, that's all I care about.

I really think I have most people fooled that I'm some sort of writer. Hehehe. Not a chance. But I do take the time now and then to cook up some pretty decent stories just to keep Tony at bay. I spent like, three DAYS writing character bios too, but just for the facade. I don't think it's working anymore, but oh well.

Gosh, I've sort of lost my train of thought thinking about all those men. I guess I'll go do something in my real life (dammit) with my husband and kids (pesky bunch) to try and get my mind off of it all. Tony nailed it...boy...he figured it out...I'm in world because he's just not enough for me. That must be why all the women I know have hobbies. Aly goes to school because her husband won't have sex with her. Janie and Andi learned to crochet, because their husbands are just morons. The list goes on and on. And here, we all thought the hobbies were just because we're sort of interesting people, not just wives and mothers.

****
That's what Tony thinks, anyway. Wouldn't you like to try that out for a day?

Unfuckingbelievable.

Stuck in the middle with you...

2007-09-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

So I sort of closed a door on my marriage today. I'm not even sure where I am emotionally right now other than lost. Maybe that's all I am. Lost. I've been living in a fog for a while, most of the time just existing, or...rather, subsisting. There is so little left of me, it's insane. I put all my everything into my marriage for a long time, giving it all, holding back nothing. Which I've always believed is the way to love. What's the point in half-assing it? Well...now I know. The point of half assing it is so that when the shit finally falls apart, you aren't totally lost in it. There's still something left of yourself to grab onto and pull up out of the debris.

I'm stuck in the middle there. Do you love all the way and risk it all, or hold something back and always wonder what might have been?

I guess at least I can say I know I have no questions about that. I gave it all, and I know what might have been, or rather, what was. But where that leaves me is not a pretty place.

I should suppose elaborate on my opening statement and say that I'm not getting a divorce. My reasons are shitty. They're not romantic, they're not interesting, they're not even admirable. But they are all I've got, and I'm sticking to them.

I'm not interested in finding someone else. I'm too passionate, too all-or-nothing, too wild to meet someone. On top of that, there's the whole idea of my kids getting used to another man, and, well...no. I'm not interested in putting my kids in daycare. I'm not interested in working my ass off to pay for said daycare. Am I staying married just for the paycheck? Whip me once, you bet your ass I am. It's a big fucking paycheck, too. But, if he moves out, there's a possibility of another woman taking care of my babies. Whip me again. Then I have to worry about the caliber place my kids are staying in...nonono...forget it. Or, he moves out of state and never sees them.

What if he wants another relationship? He's welcome to it. But he can't leave. He made this bed with me, we're both going to fucking lie in it until our obligation to raise our kids is fulfilled. He can fuck or date anything he wants to when he's out of town (which is most of the time), but when he's home, he'd better be home to see his kids. I don't care if he has a girl in every city. Just leave me alone.

So, I'm sure some of you out there are saying, "Why can't he find another job?" or "What about marriage counseling?" I'll happily answer those both. First, the easy one. Marriage counseling. I agree, love to try it. Problem is, he's never home. One week a month, one session a month. Call me skeptical. I don't think it'd work.

So why not find another job? This is the tough one. He identifies with his job, probably as most men do. He's old school enough that almost feels that his sole responsibility is to provide financially for his kids and wife. I am proud of that. When he got his big promotion and raise this month, my heart and pride were beaming. He started out in the biz with no education, no experience, and went from armored car courier to Operations Manager for a national ATM company. That's a lot of hard work and dedication at the expense of his family. But he did it, and that kind of loyalty is hard to find.

And he loves his job. LOVES his career. How can I hear the excitement and pride in his voice when he talks to me and then let him leave that job? I'm not that evil.

So I'm stuck in the middle again. A job that would allow him to be home more would be ideal. But this man is the textbook definition of passive-aggressive. He'll do it, and if the new job falters in any capacity on his satisfaction scale, guess who'll get the blame? Right-O!

I'm not the sort who does well in a relationship when there isn't any together time. What's the point, anyway of being with someone when you're never WITH that someone? That's the precise reason why I could never be with a military man. I need togetherness, I crave the man I love. Our life feels like a business partnership. He makes the money, I manage it. He pays for the home, I manage it. That part works ok. It's when there's feelings involved that it gets shitty.

So I've told him tonight, that I do not want anything from him in a husband capacity. He is expected to fulfill his obligations as financier and father. He is free to do as he pleases on his own time, but when he's home, to please be home. The rings are off, the past is complete. We are now working together to raise our kids.

And now comes the collective statement: If your marriage is bad, the kids will know it and you're better off apart. Maybe. I might even agree with that when our kids are older. But right now they need him. They need to feel his presence even when he's not here. They need to be surrounded by his things when he's gone so they know he's coming back. I'm a good enough actor, I can fake the shit that looks like happiness for the kids' sakes.

I forgot how much there was of me. So much more than mother. So many things I can do, and do well, that have been forgotten. I've met people in the recent months who have passively and actively reminded me that there's an artist, a writer, a comic, an intellectual, a sympathizer, a listener, and a woman still inside of me. They're right.

They say ignorance is bliss, and I completely agree. When I had forgotten all those parts of me, it was easier. But when I started rediscovering them, something woke up in me that realized how much I'd been missing, and it was pissed. That thing doesn't want to go back to sleep now. And I'm afraid to let it, honestly, for fear that this time it'd be gone for good. There's so much I miss in my life, I'm tired of it. And does reawakening this creature mean that I get all those things? Not really, not all of them, not now. But it does remind me to keep faith that all of me is not dead. All of me is not mother. All of me is still there somewhere.

So I've been stuck in the middle for a few months. Stuck in between a severe inner conflict of trying to learn how to love all of someone without question. Accepting him for everything he is and not believing that he should change. I was almost there. Ready to jump and surrender. But I just couldn't cut the rope. At the last minute I said, no way. That's giving up, giving in, giving away the things in me I need. I've learned that you don't have to love everything in someone. And if there's things in that someone you can't love, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Acceptance, however, is definitely crucial. And while you can learn to accept some things in a person, forcing yourself to accept them all can be self-destructive.

So there it is. I'm in the middle of rediscovering myself and managing my marriage. As one side of that scale gets bigger, the other side shrinks.

But I know this...I will not give up that which has led me to my reawakening. The vessel that takes you back to you is precious. And so it shall remain.

And of course, my heart, tonight is broken. I miss what was. I miss the idea of what now should be.

I have regrets...and that is the greatest regret of all.

Life really does suck...

2007-06-12T09:06:00.001-07:00

I'm figuring out a LOT of things in this life as I go. And you know, most of them are really shitty. Life is only what you make of it to a certain point, and then the inevitable takes over. Nature is ridiculously cruel to women after our child bearing is over. The inequity between the sexes is staggering. Kids ruin marriages. Women don't grow cold because we're selfish or angry, it's because the men in our lives check out on us and leave us dangling emotionally for years.

I have been in a downward spiral of a marriage for a while now. I married a selfish, often very childish man. And his neanderthalic (is that a word?) ways are really starting to get annoying. The worst part of all of it is knowing he doesn't respect me anymore (if he ever did). He doesn't even remember what it was like for us when it was good. He TOLD me that. How do you forget?? We've only been together 8 years!

Check out this list of lovely things he's said to me in the past couple of months:

The kids would be better off in daycare
The house is almost ghetto
You don’t care what you look like
Other women get back in shape after pregnancy
That’s a good mommy bathing suit
Are you EVER happy?
What’s wrong today? You’re irritated.

There's some version of one of those most every day.

But where am I left? Why divorce him? Then I have to put my kids in daycare so I can work (although I'm sure he thinks that's better for them anyway), I'd have the headache of visitation. I don't need all that, and I'm not interested in another relationship so why bother? I just wish I could stop caring, like he has. I WANT To give up, I WANT to stop caring, just fuckitall...why can't I figure out HOW to???

Well, imagine that...duty calls.

Murder-Suicide Tragedy

2007-05-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070530/ap_on_re_us/children_killed

I'm not entirely sure why I started a blog entry for this. I can't come up with much to say that makes any sense. On top of that, I can't see through my tears well enough to type intelligently. Unfortunately I'm unable to stop my mind from imagining the last moments of those children's lives, and what it was like for the Aunt who found the baby hanging but still alive...or what it was like for the people who had to remove those little bodies and take them from the house.

How much does a woman suffer that she turns on her own babies? This isn't evil, if you ask me. It is the result of unanswered cries for help...or no cries at all. She suffered, they suffered, and now they're gone. 5, 3, 2...such babies, such babies. Please take them home, Lord.

One of those nights

2007-04-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

It's one of those nights tonight. Up late because of the aftermath of a flooded bathroom. The second hydromess of the day; nick already played in the potty once today. Bathtime was far worse, but oh well...the floor is clean now and there'll be lots of freshly washed towels.

I'm just here tonight thinking of those three creatures upstairs sleeping who have tumbled my world so much since they arrived, each in their own way. Some days I look forward to being finished with the strain of young childhood...but mostly I wonder how I'm going to get by when there are no more little toes, no more baby talk, no more diapers and no more sippy cups. No more cribs, carseats and strollers. No more onesies and light-up sneakers.

What on earth will I do the day I wake up and realize my baby boys are broad of shoulder and deep of voice, and resemble their daddy more than my little angel babies of yesteryear? How does one cull the heartache of knowing her baby girl has turned into a strong, beautiful young woman who reminds her more of herself than she'd like to admit?

I know I have a long time until those days...but how many times do we look back on an event a year ago, or 5 years ago and think, Jesus, how FAST that year went! It can't be FIVE years! I know, before I know it, I'll be sending them off to Kindergarten (Greg's already in preschool), teaching them to drive, watching them drive away on a first date, beaming as they cross the stage to receive their diplomas...

I'll be done soon enough with kissing booboos and folding little clothes. Soon enough it'll be trying to mend a broken heart and keeping up with the latest fashion for young people. Too soon...too soon.

Dear Lord, please...help me remember that while they're very little, they won't stay this way for long. Every day, help me keep my patience, help me cherish every smile, every giggle, every single solitary request for my attention. Help me realize that someday my house will be very quiet and empty...and that I need to enjoy every second of their young lives while I can.

Gregory, Nicky and Fia...you're the heart in my body, the sweetest reasons for living. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Baby Mine...for my Gregory...

2007-04-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

This is for you, my precious boy. I love you.

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart,

never to part,

baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,

pay no heed what they say.

Let your eyes sparkle and shine,

never a tear,

baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,

they'd end up loving you, too.

All those same people who scold you,

what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes,

you're not much, goodness knows.

But, you're so precious to me,

sweet as can be,

baby of mine.

Baby Mine, Bette Midler

What the hell

2007-04-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

Man, I sure wish I knew what the hell is wrong with me lately. Wait...before I go any further, let me clarify that I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND WOULD NOT TRADE THEM FOR ANYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE OR HISTORY.

Now, that being said...lately I am missing the hell out of my child-free days. I miss the luxury of waking up when I want to on the weekends. I miss being able to take a nap on Saturday afternoon. I miss being able to stay up until 5 a.m. because I can sleep most of the next day. And DAMN I miss my old body!!!

Ok, THAT part I'm working on. 100 lbs lost since Sofia was born and I'm pretty damned proud of that. But OY I have a long way to go. More weight to lose, and tons of toning. And I'm petrified I'm going to need surgery to get rid of the skin. She was so huge, my belly was SO stretched...I'm over 30...I just don't see it tightening back up on its own.

I realized today, I didn't appreciate my pre-baby body for the plus-sized beauty it had. There was a time I could have WORN this dammit:

And would have looked fucking hot, too. Even in my voluptuous body. Now, ugh. Age and childbirth have not been kind to me. I WANT THAT BACK. And I swear to God my hair has stopped growing altogether. It's not bad enough I lose it like made after I have a baby, now it's just at some sort of hideous growth plateau. I want my long, silky, wavy locks back, too. *sigh*

This can't last long, can it? Do most women go through this at some point while they're stuck in domesticland? I love my family, they're the best part of my life. But there's a ME in there that has no place in this life and she's been BEGGING to come out and play. I want to say yes! I've never been 100% content in this SAHM role and now it's really bugging me.

Ah fuck it. I'm rambling. Doesn't matter anymore. Just be a good mommy, get in some wifing time when you can, die with a few bucks in the bank, you'll be set.

Oh and Happy Easter everyone :)

You know what I miss...

2007-04-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, maybe it's true. Married 7 1/2 years and itchin' real bad...but not for what you'd think. I don't want to stray, I'm not interested in cheating, not in the least. The problem is...I miss insatiable love...

When moonlight crawls along the street

Chasing away the summer heat

Footsteps outside somewhere below

The world revolves I've let it go

We build our church above the street

We practiced love between these sheets

The candy sweetness scent of you

It bathes my skin I'm stained of you

And all I have to do is hold you

There's a racing within my heart

And I am barely touching you

I miss the way he loved me...I miss the way he wanted me. I miss being adored, and cherished. I miss feeling that I'm beautiful. Why does this happen to us if the desire to keep the flame burning still exists inside?

The moonlight plays upon your skin

A kiss that lingers takes me in

I fall asleep inside of you

There are no words

There's only truth

Breathe in breathe out

There is no sound

We move together up and down

We levitate our bodies soar

Our feet don't even touch the floor

But nobody knows you like I do

'Cause the world may not understand

That I grow stronger in your hands

There is a joy that is singularly exclusive to falling in love. No...not even falling in love. Having someone want you more than anything else. Having someone breathless at your touch. Watching a man squirm as he realizes he has no control of his own body as it betrays him, rising to the bait of a woman who he can barely stand to be without. The games of new lust, being wanted and wanting, able to think of little else all day long.

We never sleep we're always holdin' hands

Kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans

I feel like a better man

Just being in the same room

We never sleep there's just so much to do

So much to say

Can't close my eyes when I'm with you

Insatiable the way I'm loving you

I love my children, I love my life, but for a day, to be back in the arms of a man who shut out the entire world to be mine and mine alone... there is no greater pleasure. To see his eyes light up when I come in the room. To smile to myself when I notice the little way he has to catch his breath a bit when he inhales my scent. To feel his heat radiating through me when I brush his skin with mine. To close my eyes and breathe deep and still be able to smell him on me after we've parted for the day. To lie in the embers of our lovemaking, barely able to breathe, lost in a cloud of swirling mists of passion, bathing in that golden light in near silence, but for the pounding of my heart and that undeniable voice in my soul that calls even then for more of him.

Turn the lights down low

Take it off

Let me show

My love for you

Insatiable

Turn me on

Never stop

Wanna taste every drop

My love for you

Insatiable

Yet the most powerful bit...the one I miss the most...is knowing, truly knowing that even when you're not intoxicating him with your presence and touch, he's thinking of you and knowing you're out there loving him, waiting for him, unable to feel complete without him.

I miss insatiable love. I am a lover. I am passionate. I need to have that fire to feel alive. It is a hole at the core of my being that ONLY insatiable love can fill.

I don't want to believe that our desire for that kind of love is only a biological farce to get us to procreate. I don't want to have to suppress my desire so that I can get along in this world. Asking me not to want this kind of love is like asking me not to breathe. It's as vital to life to me as oxygen. Look around us...human desire for insatiable love is evident in a million ways. It's woven into the notes of songs, written into the scripts of movies, weeping in the dewdrops on flowers, even sighing in the breeze at sunset. We're MEANT to love this way, our bodies are warm and soft and meant to be touched. We are meant to be cherished and enjoyed. And I don't want to live without it anymore.

Question is...what the hell do I do about it?

Insatiable lyrics by Darren Hayes

A tear for you, Rebecca Riley

2007-03-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

Girl's death stirs debate over psychiatric meds
Parents of 4-year-old accused of intentionally overmedicating daughter:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17758170/

*sigh*

My heart hurts so much as I sit writing this and crying for this poor baby's soul. And oddly enough, it's not as much for her death as for her life. This particular excerpt from the article just kills me :

"Williams told police that the night before she died, Rebecca was pale and seemed “out of it.” At one point, the little girl knocked weakly on her parents’ bedroom door and softly called for her mommy, but Michael Riley opened the door a crack and yelled at her to go back to her room, Williams said. Later that night, McGonnell told police, he heard someone struggling to breathe and found Rebecca gurgling as if something was stuck in her throat. McGonnell told police he wiped vomit from his niece’s face, then kicked in the door to her parents’ room and yelled at the Rileys to take Rebecca to the emergency room. Instead, Carolyn Riley said, she gave her daughter a half-tablet of Clonidine."

My god.

Installing a switch

2007-02-13T14:58:00.000-08:00

I'm going to see about having a switch put in. I wonder who I should call...maybe a carpenter? They'll know where to cut and saw and hammer to put it in. A carpenter will know how to measure, and how to attach it so that it doesn't fall off, or weaken.

Oh, no...an electrician. Yeah, they'll be more familiar with the wiring. An electrician will give it the proper amperage and wattage, so that it will always work and won't short out. He'll install it safely, so it does its job without fail.

Hmmm...maybe I should call a doctor instead. Yeah... a psychiatrist. They're real doctors...and a psych would know to be sure it's connected to my brain too. This is definitely a matter that involves my brain.

No...they're not so good with surgery I don't think. So, a surgeon...yeah. Hmm...

Oh wait, I know. A cardiologist needs to do it. Yeah. They know all about the heart. They'll know just where to install a switch so that when the man I love more than anything in the world shows me yet again that his family isn't the first priority on his list, I can just turn the switch off. That'll HAVE to stop this ache, right?

...right?

My Sofia Story, Part 1

2007-02-07T02:10:00.000-08:00

Your first birthday fast approaches…14 days away as of this writing. Somehow the first year of my sweet baby girl’s life has gone so very very fast. It is the true injustice of motherhood, how fast time flies. It feels like only yesterday I was so anxious to meet you, to end the trial and joy that was your pregnancy. Yet here you are, a toddler, doing things that only a year ago were just daydreams in my mind of a future yet unwritten…a future with my daughter.

I can’t help but think of what your life might be like when you’re older, just as I do with your brothers. But with you, it’s different. Probably because I was once a little girl too…probably because someday you’ll be a woman…and I have some idea of what you’ll go through as a growing girl and grown woman someday. Definitely because you are my youngest and last child ever…and every day with you is a tiny bit more precious than the last. Not enough to be measurable, just that with the passing of time, the grip of your tiny fingers around my heart grows stronger and bigger, just like you do. With every smile you sink deeper into my soul, with every tear you claim a bigger piece of my heart.

I love watching your daddy with you. It’s funny, how we are as parents with our children of different genders. Daddy watches over you in a fiercely protective way, that will only grow more and more so as you get older, more beautiful, and more mischievous. Just as I want to keep Gregory and Nicholas my little boys forever, daddy wants to keep you his little girl…innocent and small in his arms. While I have the same desire to keep you safe and little, I know that you’ll need to learn so much to be a woman, and a mother, a wife, if you so choose those paths. Just like daddy knows he has to teach Greg and Nicky how to be men. So when we clash, as we WILL do, remember that I’m only always thinking of your future, your happiness, your security.

But for now, you are my almost-year-old baby girl. You have a joy and beauty about you that is almost indescribable. It’s not your locks of midnight hair or your huge, sparkling eyes. It’s not your perfect little face, or the silly way you walk, it’s not even the way you reach up to me and ask me to pick you up with those two tiny grabbing hands…it’s who you are inside, the personality that grows more complex and intriguing every day. Knowing that there’s a little bit of me, and a little bit of daddy in there…and mostly a little bit of who is just simply our Fia making you the most beautiful, lovable, precious baby girl that ever was.

Happy Birthday, My Sofia. You are the sweetest way for me to learn even more about being a mother.

My Nicholas Story, Part 1

2007-02-07T02:09:00.000-08:00

My little bug…My Nicky. You are so uniquely you…you make me laugh every single day, so many many times. There is a special kind of joy in my life simply from seeing your face first thing in the morning with your sleepy eyes all the way up to kissing your cheek as I tuck you into bed at night. The way you talk, the funny things you say, the unbelievable wit and comedy you display that is so funnily surprising coming from such a little guy, you are so pleasingly “Nicky”.

Today you are 2 years, 11 months, and 10 days old. When I think of you turning three in just 21 short days, my heart hurts just a bit too much. You were such an unexpected and lovely surprise to me. I couldn’t wait to see what you’d look like, how big you’d be, how well you’d sleep, eat, play…I already knew how well you’d fit into my arms and my heart. You came along and were so fragile and sick…I thought I knew how to pray until then. I sure do now. As ear-piercing as your screams can be as a frustrated little guy, I’m glad to hear them, because they tell me you are a whole, healed, healthy boy, and that is the sound of pure joy.

I know you’re in a sticky spot…a middle child stuck between a big brother who needs some extra attention and a little sister who is the princess after two big brothers…but rest assured, my little one, you are never lost or forgotten to me. I am always thinking of you, with your inviting eyes, and your dimple…I’m always wanting to hold your chubby little hands…I’m always looking for my next Nicky kiss. Nothing tops the way you walk up to me carrying your silky, and look into my eyes…and then just smile at me.

You are a busy boy…and you have so very much to do while you’re growing up. I know all too soon you’ll be a big tough guy, borrowing the car, putting on too much cologne (just like your daddy) trying to impress the girls. But what you don’t know, and I do, is that they’ll already be unable to resist your charms. Those eyes of yours, that killer smile, your intoxicating laugh. I see a light in you that will draw people to you, of all kinds, because you embody warmth and light and love.

For now, though, you are my little bug. I’ll keep stealing kisses and snuggles as long as you’ll let me, and I’ll probably hug you a tiny bit longer than you want me to…for likely your whole life.

There is no one like you, my Nicky. And I am SO blessed to have been your buddy through the sweet, innocent years of your life.

My Gregory Story, Part 1

2007-02-07T02:08:00.000-08:00

Gregory…you know, we went through about two dozen names before we settled on yours. And oh how it fits you now. I can’ t imagine you as any other name but our Gregory Charles.

You are a bit past a month older than 4 as of this writing. Four…I know that in the scheme of your life it is but a blink, but they have been the four most important years of my life. With you, everything was new, and still is! You have a tough job as the oldest, and the challenges that you already face will probably provide a bit more to handle as the biggest brother of you three Amicos.

You seem so big to me lately, so “little boy” and no longer “baby boy”. I suppose that’s because you truly are no longer a baby. Long gone are the bottles, the baby food, the crib, the rattles, and even now the diapers (yay!!!). Gone are the days of cradling you alongside my body after a big bottle and even bigger burp while you drift off to sleep next to my heartbeat. Yes, I’ve had those soft, tender times with your brother and sister, but with you they were fresh and new. The memory now of them is surreal…like drifting in warm, billowy clouds in near silence, with a golden wash of sunlight illuminating a dream…and you, tiny, perfect and soft sleeping inside the circle of my arms.

I held you that first day I brought you home, hardly believing you were truly mine. It still amazes me that your father and I created you, that you grew inside of me, and that I was given such a gift from God. There is no other Gregory, you are singular and unique and so special to me.

Though you will never understand it, all the challenges you face are mine as well. I walk through them all with you, sometimes holding your hand when I can, sometimes in the shadows of helplessness, sometimes cheering you on. And the hardest part of all is when I sometimes have to let you go to navigate your trials on your own. At times it seems like far too much for a small boy to live with, but I have to believe that you will grow within yourself and learn to be all you need to be around the challenges that you face. As long as I draw breath, I will be here for you, to help you through whatever I can, and be there for you if all else fails. But I know you…in your first four years in my life I have learned nothing quite as strong as your determination. You don’t even know it yet, but it’s there. And it will get you through anything…I know it will.

I treasure precious moments from you so much, because you’re going to need me to care for you less and less over the coming years. It’ll turn into a different kind of need, that I know. But I rather like the day-to-day tasks of your young childhood. Picking out your clothes, bathing you, helping you dress, helping you clean up your toys. The one thing I do hope never changes is your hug. There is love and peace and perfection inside your little arms when you hug me so tight. It’s the sweetest part of my day.

I just checked on you sleeping tight in your bed. Looking more like the baby I remember than the little boy trying to be bigger and bigger every day. Oh if you could only stay that little boy for a while longer than the worlds will allow…

You are so very special to me, Gregory. You made me what I love more than anything…a mommy.

Something new...

2007-02-07T02:05:00.000-08:00

Ok I'm sitting here late at night, as is my stupid habit. But lucky me, tonight my creative juices were flowing. It's lucky because USUALLY when they strike, I'm knee deep in kid stuff and couldn't write if I wanted to. But tonight, I had the opportunity, and I took it.

For a while now, I've been wanting to start "Kid Journals". Little letters and notes to each of my children that someday I'll give to them. So tonight I started. I doubt I'll post all of my entries here, but I thought I'd post them as a little hooray for actually starting the project.

So, enjoy them if you like. They'll probably sound a lot cornier to you than to me...and probably to me too at a decent hour when I reread them, but hey...the sincerest emotions flow when you're tired and too wiped out to try and block them.

Cheers!

DOWN WITH SUPERMOMMYHOOD!

2007-01-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

This is what I'm saying! I'm done with it! DOWN WITH SUPERMOMMYHOOD!!

Any woman raising kids today knows what I mean. There's this feeling of doubt surrounding us when it comes to being a mother. Making choices, molding our children, planning futures...boy if you're not on top of it all, you're a crappy mother, take a hike.

BLAH! I've been drowning in this sea of scrutiny by society and other mothers since the first time I had Gregory out in public. Well I'm grabbing hold of a buoy today and I ain't gettin' pulled under again.

There's this tremendous pressure for a woman today to do it all. Have a job, raise your kids, be a doting wife, find time for yourself, have a circle of girlfriends, volunteer in the community...yadda yadda yaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh it's enough to make you scream! Who on EARTH has time for all that without shirking something or someone somewhere! So here's where I sit today, girls:

I'm a stay-at-home mommy. I have three kids, 4, almost 3, and almost 1. I do not have a job outside the house, and as long as our finances hold out, I don't plan to. So all you working mommies who think I'm lazy, kiss both sides of my butt. I don't need a career outside the home to fulfill some inner need or whatever modern bullshit you want to spew at me. I had a career once, and someday I'll have another. But for now, my career is child engineering :) *WARNING, majorly NON PC statement coming up* And I couldn't imagine HAVING kids and leaving them with someone else all day!!!

NEXT! My kids don't attend playdates with other kids. Generally, I don't LIKE other kids. I don't need my kids to be interacting with them. It's really just a way for other SAHMs to get together and spend a couple of hours one-upping each other. "Billy's reading, and he just had his first birthday!" (PUKE) "Stacey's walking and her cord JUST fell off!" (WHATEVER) My contribution to this would be, "Sofia's eating dime-sized pieces of carpet fuzz now!" Because THAT is what kids really do!!! I don't need this kind of boob-slapping with a bunch of other mothers three times a week. I'd rather stay home with my little ankle-biters watching Boohbah and eating Cheetos.

SO! On the topic of food...my kids don't always eat three balanced meals a day. Fire me. Sometimes we have pudding for breakfast. There are days that lunch consists of cookies and cheez-its. And yes, poptarts are an occasional substitute for dinner. My oldest won't touch a vegetable with someone else's digestive system, so he eats what he'll eat. I'm not going to waste my precious energy on a battle of the food groups with a 3-year-old. I'll save that for the upcoming years. Oh, you know what else? My babies eat solids LONG before six months. You try keeping an 18 lb 3 month old on liquids only. HA! And you know what ELSE? My last two babies were on whole milk by eleven months! CALL THE AUTHORITIES!

On to sleeping we go! My oldest needed to lie down with someone to go to sleep until he was almost 3 (after he moved into a twin bed). I use the Cry-It-Out method with my babies once they reach around a year old (and WOOO do I battle my husband and mother on that one). Before then, it's bottles and rocking until they're fast asleep. OH, and if my 11 month old wakes up in the middle of the night and wants a bottle, she gets one. Same as when she was 3 months old. Screw schedules, and screw routine.

Ok so what's left? Oh TV...bring on the Noggin, Sprout, Disney Channel, Nick Jr., whatever. Yes, I have used the television as a babysitter so I can get laundry done, make dinner, play with one of the kids one-on-one, and so I can check my email. The AAP says no more than 2 hours or some such shit of TV a day, and only after age 2? RIIIIGHT. How else would I learn all the words to the Backyardigans theme, the Wiggles "Fruit Salad", or Oobi's goodnight song?

Ok so now about my wifely duties. I don't get gussied up to lay on the floor with toddlers all day. I get up, wipe the sleep from my eyes, put shorts and a tshirt on and get on with my day. Does this bother my husband? Probably, but it's just senseless. When my Dear Hubby mows the lawn in a tuxedo, I'll spend my day with kids in a skirt and heels. (Well, no I won't...but you get my drift.)

And finally, my house. Ah, mi casa. My castle. My prison (hehehe). Yep, my kitchen floors go unmopped for 2 weeks sometimes. My closet is a disaster area. The garage is suitable for hiding bodies provided by all the clutter. And somedays there are extra carpet snacks lying about for Sofia because I don't have the energy to vacuum. I don't bleach ANYthing, and I DON'T WASH PILLOWS! The windows get washed maybe once a year, along with the curtains.

And yet here we are, alive and well amongst the filth of subparmommyhood. Thriving with macaroni and cheese and hotdogs on occasion. Skipping toothbrushing once in a while because they fell asleep on the floor in front of the *gasp* tv. I may never live up to Wisteria Lane status (not that I want to) or even the image my foremothers have set up for me...but maybe, just maybe, my family will make it out alive, happy and productive members of a society that'll spend half of their adulthood forcing some uber-ridiculous ideal down their throats. Maybe they'll know too, by then, how insane it is.

Yeah, I think we'll be just fine.

Happy Birthday Gregory!!

2007-01-03T01:35:00.000-08:00

My first baby turned four on Monday. We had a nice day, he had a pretty good idea of what was going on, I think. Poor Nicky was so upset that it wasn't HIS birthday, and the fighting over Greg's birthday presents commenced pretty much as soon as they were out of the paper. The smile on Gregory's face while we sang happy birthday to him was worth the entire day. He really really loves the talking Lightning McQueen car we gave him. Mom gave him a VAT of Lincoln Logs, which I don't think he's messed much with yet, but he will I'm sure.

Greg went back to school the next day. Poor guy had a bit of a rough time getting moving in the morning but the note from the teacher said it was a pretty mellow day as they transition back after the break. I'm glad she takes it slow with them. Two weeks is a long time for Gregory to be out of school at this stage of his development. I suppose in a private program we wouldn't have such large breaks but this is the trade off for going through the school system and having it all provided for him.

Anyway, Happy New Year to all...I posted a few pics of Greg's bday below.

It's not even HERE yet...

2007-01-03T01:31:00.000-08:00

...and I'm already depressed. I've dreaded today for weeks. The girls go home, Tony goes back to work, I'm back to my life. UGH why can't I just enjoy my life? Why can't I be happy with it? I KNOW it's the best option for my children, but just the mere thought of my life depresses me. It's the being alone with the kids all day that really kills me, I think. Knowing that tomorrow, the people who have kept me company for the past few weeks will be gone. And it's easier for all of them, I think. The girls go home to their mother and lives and school. Mom and Tony go to work, Maria does whatever Maria does. But I'm ever here, in these walls, with my kids and my life.

So someone help me out here. WHY does it suck so badly? Why am I so depressed inside this world? My kids are my proudest achievement, yet the simple reality of my life makes me nuts. I don't want to work, because I will not entrust the daily care and raising of my babies to another person. Not to mention I don't plan on missing much of their young lives. I'm just DREADING tomorrow...everyone gone. Why can't I be happy with keeping a house and raising my kids???

Why Don't I Ever Learn?

2006-11-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

That nothing is ever going to change. I married a man who can be a miserable asshole to me. That's what I should expect.

Why don't I ever learn that his declarations of love and affection are short lived and only how he wants them to be?

Why don't I ever learn that he is always going to be childish and self-centered?

Why don't I ever learn that when the going is rough, he gets going...running away from the problems, turning to a hard-shelled, spiky cocoon designed to keep me irritated and away?

Why don't I ever learn that his legacy of hypochondriac, selfish, childish family members will not die with him, nay...it lives through him?

Why don't I ever learn that NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, he will always just believe what he chooses, right or wrong?

Why don't I ever learn that he just doesn't love me any...more?

How can I learn to stop caring? To not be too proud to stay with a man just for the money? No...I'll stay with him because of my kids. I'd rather suffer than make them suffer instead.

Why didn't I learn before it was too late?

A good day indeed

2006-10-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Gregory had his initial psychological evaluation today with the regional mental health center. Dr. Silva believes he is only mildly, if at all, autistic and those signs which he does exhibit she believes he will grow to manage and adapt to with time.

She does believe he has some high sensory needs, and we both agree that this is the root of most of his troubles. Seeking constant stimulation, high anxiety. She doesn't believe his speech is too far behind for his age, and believes he is very intelligent.

In a nutshell, he's mildly autistic/PDD with SID. She does not recommend any invasive tests or treatment, only to continue the autistic preschool he's in, and perhaps work with a private therapist who works with autistic children if we feel the need. Read, educate ourselves, and find our support systems...and that's about it!

This is a happy day for me. While I know he has a long way to go, and the sensory troubles are the hardest for him to manage, I know eventually all will be fine. I guess I kinda of always did know that...but it's nice to hear it from a trained professional.

She also praised me for the way I handle him...even after I admitted how I often lose my temper. She understood, and told me not to belittle myself too much, because for the most part, we're getting it right.

Yes, it is a good day indeed.

I wish I were Autistic/Guilt City

2006-10-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

Sound crazy? Listen to my reasoning.

If I were Autistic enough to understand how it works, but mildly enough to be able to communicate effectively, I could understand my son. Right now I'd know what it feels like for Gregory to be upstairs, unable to sleep and not wanting anyone's touch or sound nearby. I'd know what it's like to live in anxiety. I'm learning that autism is living inside anxiety. That it is anxiety looking for a target. Somewhere to fall to release the tension of anxiety. Can you imagine living like that?

I'm assuming his recent bouts of horrible sleeping are connected to what I mentioned in my earlier post about his brain rewiring. He's usually such a good sleeper.

I WISH I WERE AUTISTIC...I want to understand this for him. Get inside it and live it and find a way to understand it for ME. Because when he's thrashing around in his restless slumber, I want to know if he's truly miserable or if that's how he just accepts life to be. Is it painful? Is it uncomfortable? Is it upsetting to him? Or is it just how it is for him? Or all of the above? I want to know, and not just what the textbooks tell me, either.

On another note, you wanna talk about GUILT...I've spent the last few days realizing how badly I've mishandled Gregory his entire life. Letting him cry it out when he was a baby...Jesus Christ how damaging was that to a fragile boy like him? What about the times I lost my temper? The occasional spanking? Good Lord...

And now my mom brings home a report that autism may be caused by television. Well, first...I'm WAY skeptical...but I'm biased too. It's hard to doubt something that kept food on our table and clothes on our backs for so many years. Also, in retrospect I remember so many things about Gregory that happened long before any kind of television viewing that now ring of autism.

If I dared, I'd take a valium tonight. I can't shut my mind off, replaying over and over all the things I've done wrong with him...all the things he must feel and go through every single plain day of his life. Maybe this is why I've had a headache for 3 days.

Please God, let my son sleep peacefully. He has no peace during his waking hours...please touch him with your gentle hand and help him through this.

I'm out...too spent for more.

A mother's helplessness

2006-10-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

I am mother. By that very definition, I should be able to fix all that ails my little ones. I've already learned that I can't fix what ails Gregory, not permanently. But in the past few days I'm realizing he's going through something right now that I can't even touch.

Trouble in school, horrible sleeping at night, regression to some behaviors that I haven't seen in months. His occupational therapist says it can happen when they have breakthroughs or if they make big progress in something. The brain has to rewire itself and they go through adjustment periods while getting used to their new "self". Gregory is pretty much potty trained now, and has had some big speech improvements. But his temper has flared again, and he's waking so much at night that it just can't be possible that he's rested during the day. His teacher is noticing some behaviors as well and he is having trouble with parts of his day at school.

I watch him lately when he tries to cope. He's chewing a lot, and is searching...always searching for the sensory input that can soothe him. GOD DAMMIT why can't I help my baby!?!? I want to take him in my arms and tell him that no matter what he does, it's ok, we love him and he'll be okay. I want to ease his tension when even he doesn't know what to do. I want to reach a hand to him and let him squeeze it until his frustrations subside. I want more than anything for him to be able to articulate to me what hurts, what's upsetting him, what's making his day so rough right now. I want to fix it for him.

There's nothing worse than feeling helpless when one of your babies needs something that you can't provide.

That little ache

2006-10-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

My darling baby boy is tucked up in his bed, fast asleep. Dreaming, i hope, of whatever fills his heart with happiness. I just wish that tomorrow morning he could tell me what it was that colored his dreams the night before. I'd go and sit on his bed and watch him sleep, but I fear my tears wouldn't be silent enough not to disturb his slumber.

I don't know how mothers of ill children go on. Gregory's disease isn't life threatening, it's not going to make him sick, yet it puts a squeeze on my heart that doesn't ever let up...and sometimes gets so tight i can't breathe.

1 out of 164 children are being diagnosed with autism. That's a frighteningly huge number. And my oldest falls in that group. Don't know how severely yet, because most of the time he's just another rambunctious 3.5 year old.

But then the reminders are there. When you ask him a question and he doesn't answer. Or can't answer? I never know. When you get excited for him for an event, a toy, a special day...and he doesn't seem to understand it or talk about it. And mostly when you realize that there really is something going on in his brain. It's not behavioral, it's neurological. There literally is something not "right" in his brain. And they can't fix it. We can only do our best in the home, medical, and educational areas of his life to teach him to manage his disease and live within it.

So today I find out that he is academically above the curve. I always knew he was smart, but to hear it from a teacher who specializes in autism...that was a big plus. Socially he's not really progressing, and that will be what keeps him from starting school on time with his peers. But he has quite a while before K, so I'm not worrying over it yet.

I also find out that he may be having seizures. "Petit Mal" seizures, or "absent" seizures. I read about them and while I'm not fully sure that's what they are, I'm scared nonetheless. They don't seem to be damaging, nor can they often be detected or cause determined, but they scare me anyway. It tells me something is going wrong in there...in his little brain...and I CAN'T STOP THEM.

*Sigh* I'm on a horrid spiral lately anyway. It's a bad time to be analyzing this stuff. There's so much I want for him, and while I DO KNOW that most if it is attainable, my heart hurts so much for him. I hold him sometimes and whisper to him, and kiss his head and pray so hard my head hurts. I think to myself, 'maybe I can love it away' knowing full well I can't. I want to go upstairs right now and gather him in my arms, and shut out the whole cold world. Keep him safe in the place he loves most...the place he goes to when he's anxious or stressed and says to me, 'hug you?' I want every person on the planet to see his spirit and feel the same protection I do, protection that will keep evil away from his pure soul. I pray with nearly every breath that his life will be full and happy. I pray that the world isn't cruel to him. I pray that if he can't do everything he needs to on his own, that I'll be around long enough to help him, and to raise his brother and sister to know that they are to be there for him too...and there for each other. That is family, it's what you do.

But I won't disturb his sleep. I'll sit here in the dark tonight and watch reruns of some show I don't even care for, just to hide the sounds of my sobs and nose blowing. That's how you cope with something like this, because it's not dire enough to cry out in public. People would tell you to suck it up, it's not that bad. This is something you cry about at night, alone with God, because he will always let you be as broken hearted as you want over the little things that hurt your children.

And tomorrow will be another day I smile for my Gregory and continue to thrive on the hopes and dreams for his future, just like Nicky's and Sofia's. They're all my babies. And all I have.

"Are you ok?"

2006-07-26T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am not ok. But how do you tell someone that? Especially someone who has no time to help you. Then i'd feel guilty for telling them.

I am mad at the world, i'm very depressed, i'm taking it out on my family.

I am NOT ok.

I don't KNOW how to be not ok, i'm ALWAYS ok. I don't know how to be weak, or to not be the rock.

Moreover I don't know how to stop being not ok. This is insanity, my children deserve better. I can't stop this drain i'm swirling around.

I'm fat and out of shape and ugly and it depresses me and i don't care enough to do anything about it and THAT depresses me and I AM NOT OK.

I am so depressed, my marriage sucks, my life is so mundane and useless.

I AM NOT OK.

Something I remember...

2006-07-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

I was rereading my earlier post tonight when I remembered something Tony told me years ago...

"God and I had a conversation long before either of us were born. I showed you to Him, and I told him, 'she's the one, the one I'll love, the one I'll want forever.' He agreed to give you to me, and me to you, but first I had other things to do, and two baby girls to create. I always knew I'd love you, even before I met you."

The power of memory is unbelievable in me tonight. I feel like I could fall in love with him all over again if we can just hang on to the good feelings long enough.

Remind him, Lord. Remind us both how very much we need and love each other.

A Change of Pace

2006-07-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

So it seems my entries are always depressing...or rather, when I'm depressed. Maybe because when I'm feeling up, I care more about doing other things so I don't take the time to blog. But...in the spirit of relationship salvation, I'm going to post some positive things about my marriage and my husband. It seems I've spent a fair amount of time talking myself out of this marriage; so it's high time I start talking myself back into it.

I love how he still does chivalrous things sometimes, like...
opening doors
pulling out my chair
leading me into a room with his hand on the small of my back
having me take his arm when we walk (provided we aren't pushing a stroller or two)
helping me into a jacket...

stuff like that. It's like he recognizes I'm a very strong, independent woman, yet I still like to be treated like a lady now and then. I like when he tells me he'll never let the boys mistreat me when they're older. I like the way the bedroom still smells like him 6 hours after he's gone to work for the day. I like the way his guard is down in the middle of the night, and even if he's mad at me, he still slips his arm around my waist in his sleep. I like picking up one of the kids and realizing they smell like him because he was holding them or playing with them.

Despite the bad place we're in right now, I love remembering. Oh my god, the way he made me feel when we fell in love. I felt beautiful, smart, funny, WANTED. I felt like he wanted to protect me, fiercely, and would die for me. I felt like we rushed home to each other at the end of the day. And if we had a bad time, we had our mountain to go to, and talk, even if it took all night.

We need a mountain, I think. Not one to climb, we've got plenty of those. But one for perspective, just like Lookout Mountain. Where we could sit above the fray and find clarity and peace. The answers always seemed clear atop that mountain. We never really sat there for long...it seemed most of the work was done in the car on the way to the summit. Sitting at the top for a short while was almost simply symbolic, as if to say, ok you made it here, the clouds are beneath you now, you can make your way back down to your every day.

Ah, for now I have to go. Motherhood is my mountain at the moment.

If you are out there reading this, I do love you, Tony. Somewhere inside, I always, always have.

More later...

The Nature of Things

2006-06-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

I have such a nasty habit of starting posts, saving them to draft and never finishing them. Then I come back and just publish whatever I had, so if something looks wacky, that'd be why.

I am slipping into such a miserable depression. I feel myself going, I feel the downward tug, and I just don't care. I try to pretend like I am happy and pushing forward with life as best I can, but in reality most of the time I really just don't care. Everything suffers for it, too. But I feel pretty damn useless, honestly. Diaper changer, kid feeder, mess cleaner, chef, personal shopper, laundress, nurse, mechanic. I suppose such is the life of a SAHM, and while I have the great ideaology of why I shouldn't feel that way, I do anyway.

No one ever told me how much you can lose yourself in your life. There is no Becky anymore, only mommy. My children are my entire world, and I wouldn't give them up for anything, but there is no me left. My marriage has sapped my spirit, and left me married to a man who is married to his work and who is turning into a very unlikable person in life. I see things coming out in him that scare me, things that people don't like to be around, and he's deluded about the whole thing. It is also very clear to me that we are quite far down his priority list. I do respect that he has to work hard to enable me to stay home with the children, but it's very clear he'd rather BE at work than at home. I tell him I don't care, and you know what? I'm truly beginning not to care.

That's just it, I don't care.

I don't care if the laundry piles up to the ceiling, I don't care if the toys ever get put away, I don't care if the floor gets vacuumed, I don't care what people eat. So why do I keep doing it? I don't know. I just don't know anything right now. Only that I feel very useless and very used up.

My health and appearance are suffering big time. But I tell myself, why on earth would I care what I look like when 90% of the time I'm home in my house with three people who don't care what I look like. Food is my comfort, I turn to it all day, and I see no signs of stopping that. Somehow even the knowledge that I need to control my diabetes so that I can be here for my children in the long run doesn't seem to be enough to wake my ass up.

I know what it is...it's my failing marriage, honestly. It sucks, really sucks to be unloved anymore. To see a man who resents me for making him come home from work when it's his job he really loves. And I know that I want it to be good again but it's starting to creep across my mind that it probably won't be. I am so SAD when I think of us...and I really don't think he loves me anymore. I really believe he's staying out of obligation. UGH my mind is a whirling cyclone of thoughts and emotions smacking into each other and creating headaches of thunder and blinding tears of lightning.

I refuse to take meds. I know my depression is a result of my life and not a chemical imbalance. Besides what difference does it make if I'm depressed. My kids are loved, clean, fed and cared for, so who cares if I'm depressed.

ugh this post went from pitiful to pathetic.

Sometimes when you win, you lose

2006-05-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

So it goes in the life of a sahm...the world seems to move on and ahead without you. Your once lively creative mind, business sense, and intuition or savvy for the outside world lies sleeping so long that it just doesn't want to wake back up very easily. Life rolls by, day by day, with little change in scenery or adventure (aside from the awesome adventure of 3 kids 3 and under of course). You learn to take immense pleasure in the simple things...an outing for new clothes, the shopping, a haircut...and keep telling the voice in your heart that no, this life is not meaningless...it is the most noble of professions. The heart, as with all matters, doesn't often like the voice of dissent.

I'm watching my husband's career skyrocket. I feel his pride, I reminisce about my professional life and how awesome it felt to be trusted, to be given opportunities you once only dreamed about, to be respected by like- and differing-minded adults alike. I hear the excitement in his voice as he tells me of his travels and challenges. So, does that mean I'm jealous? Well, yes...maybe because of the misconception that this life is less important than my old life. Which it isn't, yet even I suffer from that misconcept. So yes, I miss that life. The nights in fancy hotels, the dinners with respected clients, the jetsetting life. While he's off and running I feel lonely, depressed, fat, and unimportant.

I have only happiness for him. I won't let him see my depression because this job is good for all of us in most senses. Financially it can only be good. It's good for his self-image, which translates into a better husband and father...but those are hard to be when you're not going to be around much. To hear the pride and excitement in his voice makes it a little more worthwhile.

There's really no way to win at this for me.

SSDD

2006-05-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

so many of my posts seem to be about my failing marriage. it's the one thing that always seems to bring me to the keyboard. when i don't know where else to go for some reason it drags me back here. so here i go again.

so often when we have a big issue, one or both of us still feels strongly that our relationship can not only survive but be strong again. problem lately seems to be that both of us are nearing giving up. it's like it's just getting too hard to hold on.

i feel like a horrible miserable wife for not being more understanding of his illness. maybe this is all my fault and the way he's becoming is truly a part of his disease. and no matter what happens to us, i'm scared of him dying. i'm scared to death of sitting by his hospital bed watching him waste away and die. i was even in tears trying to figure out how much life insurance i really need on him this morning.

how can there be SO much love in a failing marriage? I KNOW the foundation is there. i still feel it solid under this shaky building. it's just like every story that was added onto our building got shakier and shakier.

Ugh another short post...duty calls.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY

2006-03-17T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, you know what, SCREW the idea that there's somethings we're not meant to understand. I WANT TO KNOW WHY BABIES GET SICK AND DIE. I want to know WHY any mother has to suffer that. I want to know why any father has to stand by, all his manly strength powerless to help his child. I want to know why any child has to struggle to understand why he lost a little brother or sister. AND I WON'T BE SATISIFIED UNTIL I GET AN ANSWER. I'm sick sick sick to death of girls carelessly having babies and neglecting them while loving, proven, nurturing mothers go through HELL.

I'm done. I can't say anything else intelligible today.

Run and play, sweet Alex, your work and trials here are done.

I lost her...me...somewhere

2005-11-23T00:17:00.000-08:00

Well I just give up tonight. I have given up the fight. The possibility that you can be a SAHM and maintain any individuality. That you have anything that is your own. I used to be vital...important because I made MONEY...because other adults depended on me. Now every thing I do is under constant scrutiny. My life, my job, my focus is my children. And I have no escape from life to job or job to life...they are one and the same. So where my husband or mother can go to work and get away from the stress of home life, and come home to get away from the stress of work life. Mine are intertwined. I have SUPERVISORS in my job as a mother. Ain't that a bitch. I guess it's normal for the husband to be like that, but living with my mother, ugh...I really expected to maintain my role as the head of my own family, respected for the role of mother to my own children.

I know, it's all my own fault. I chose to have children and stay at home with them, therefore I have nothing to complain about.

I knew what I was getting into having another baby right? I knew I'd end up barely able to walk by my third trimester, right? I have no room to complain because this is all my fault.

So I guess the person I should be mad at...is myself.

Except I can't find "myself" anymore. I don't know what happened to her. I see a woman who has little boys climbing on her, smiling at her, looking to her for love and answers and any other little thing that is so desperately important when you're 2 and 3 years old. I see a woman who lives for those kids and wouldn't dare change it.

But I also see a woman who is failing every day in her role as wife and daughter. This woman who sits silent and dying inside when her husband disregards her or criticizes her one more time. Who is lost in trying to figure out where her marriage went wrong and if she'll be the next single mother on the block. This woman is feeling very inadequate in her mother's eyes, and very lost in ever regaining any footing in that regard. I see a woman who is very very afraid of inheriting her mother's depression and losing what's left of herself further into an unknown abyss.

I see this woman, who sees her life and is sad. Who doesn't look in mirrors because she doesn't like the physical manifestations of her pain. She doesn't like seeing a fat, ugly, tired woman looking back at her. Because she knows only that reflection knows what she's feeling.

The scariest sight is watching her outwardly cold eyes and seeing a flicker beneath that gets smaller and more faint with every heartbeat.

She's sad, and empty, and almost too tired to cry anymore. She used to wonder what people would remember about her...now she just hopes they forget about her.

Pre baby blues?

2005-10-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

so i'm ready to admit this morning that i'm depressed. moderately down in the dumps. i've been trying to figure out why...and trying to attribute it to a lot of external factors like tony not being as into this pregnancy as the last two...being stuck home with the boys all day making me crazy...but I think, no, I KNOW the real reason is because of my health. I was insane to get pregnant when I did, and now i'm paying for it with ridiculous weight gain, swelling, headaches, and enough insulin for a nursing home full of diabetics. My spd is worse than ever, my back is a mess, even the slightest household chore is mindbendingly difficult. And the guilt is overwhelming. I keep reliving the first scary week of Nicky's life, and wondering how I could endanger another innocent baby.

Every morning i wake up and think, today i'll get up and take a walk with the boys, and it'll help my sugars, i'll be able to back off the insulin, and maybe i'll stop gaining so much. But every morning it's all i have to get down the stairs with the boys. Yesterday I sewed the massive curtain partition for the nursery and i was a mess the rest of the day with hip and back pain.

I just pray every day that God doesn't make this baby suffer for my selfishness.

oh, btw, if you're going to comment simply to bash my choices, go elsewhere, I don't need your sunshine.

Age-old battle

2005-08-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

maybe it's just me. maybe it's just my marriage. maybe it's just my husband.

maybe it sucks.

it's the time tested trial of who's job is more important...no...rather understanding that my job is AS important and AS difficult, if not more so, than his. i feel a total lack of respect from my husband as of late. and it's not just the job discussion. it's the way he talks to me. the way he undermines me. the things he thinks he's going to do knowing full well they'll upset me. the way he's so indifferent about this baby. and now he tells me that all the times he was trying to get me to stop taking my birth control were just an attempt to get me to have sex. he acts like he GAVE me this pregnancy as a gift.

bullshit.

well, i'm just not going to let it get to me anymore. maybe if i show him as much indifference, he'll knock off the bullshit. i have my children, my friends, my family. if he wants to put everything secondary to his job, that's his loss.

ugh that job. i don't give him hell about his job, because it's good money and it pays our bills...allowing me to be a SAHM. but he's so absorbed in it that he forgets why he's doing it in the first place.

i feel sad, and disrespected, and unloved. and more horribly, unliked.

To Where You Are

2005-07-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

i discovered this song recorded by Josh Groban one night at my grandmother's house while packing up her things after she died...it made me feel amazingly close to her spirit that night...but moreover, it made me think of all the mothers who have lost children in their young lives...

i don't want to just stick the words in their faces, for fear of making them sad...but i hope whomever reads it who has lost a child finds a measure of peace in its words.

To Where You Are

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me every day
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching over me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And love will live on and never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To Where You Are

A White Rose

2005-07-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love.
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips,
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.

A White Rose, by Irish-American poet John Boyle O'Reilly

tired anger

2005-07-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

today is one of those days you wish you were sleeping through. tony's been in the hospital since saturday night...complications from his ercp procedure on thursday. if they can control the infection, he'll be fine. it's not so much this particular episode that drags me down today, it's the foreshadowing of the future for him. hopsitals, endless explanations of this rare disease to barely competent medical personnel, watching him go between misery and agonizing pain to drug-induced fogs. rushing between hospital and home, to be greeted with waning generosity from caregivers. trying to care about the day-to-day activities of the house that are being neglected...but failing miserably.

i want my husband back. i want his 33-year-old body to FEEL 33, not 83. i want him to be able to go six whole months without needing a vicodin weekend. i want him to be able to mow the lawn and stay awake the rest of the day. i want him to be able to enjoy a MEAL again, and not just eat to live. i want to know WHY...what he had done by 18 years old that was so bad it warranted his devlopment of a horrid disease...that has only led to worse and worse health over the years.

we all know we'll die someday. more harrowing, is that we all know we could lose our partner before we go. somehow knowing that doesn't ease the sadness of learning WHAT will ultimately kill them someday. barring any runaway buses or hijacked planes, etc, this disease will kill him someday.

i'm furious today. flaming furious. my husband is TOO YOUNG TO FEEL THIS WAY. i'm sick of seeing him in hospitals, GI clinics, surrounded by old people. that's NOT my husband. he's young, strong, sexy, vibrant. his body needs to be the same, goddamnit. he has little boys who will need him to teach them how to throw a ball, catch a fish, love their brother, treat women, be a father. he has little girls who need him to walk them down the aisle, always be the big, strong arms that only daddy has.

he has a wife who needs and loves him desperately.

The end of an era, cont'd...sort of...

2005-07-12T19:10:00.000-07:00

Originally published 07/08/05

i never really wrapped up my last entry, and quite honestly i'm still too emotionally spent to try to right now. so on to other things in my life.

i'm pregnant with baby 3...7 weeks as of this writing, due 2/26, though that means little to me. i'll likely have her by 2/12 or so. no, i don't know gender LOL but i'm hoping for a girl, so that's how my language flows. pregnancy is like the others so far...uneventful, no m/s, on insulin now. sugars were wild for a time but i think i've got them under control now.

i'm so tired tonight...tony's gone to his nephew's house until wednesday for the all-star game and festivities surrounding it. the boys are in bed, the house is a disaster, and i'm wiped out.
boring entry...too tired to think.

The end of an era

2005-07-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

Originally published 06/30/05

An era ended on Tuesday, June 21, 2005...

My maternal grandmother passed away, and with her went the end of her generation in my mother's family. My trip to upstate NY for the celebration of her life and her funeral was a roller coaster of emotion and enlightenment.

Tuesday, 6/21 - The spirit moves on. Knowing my grandmother was dying has kept us on the edge for many weeks, especially since her recent hospitalization. Mother has already purchased tickets to visit the week of July 5. A quick phone call from her older sister, Marcia, lets my mother know that grandma probably won't make it through the day. My sister calls to me in the shower to see about changing mom's flight to get her to NY ASAP. Before I can get on the phone to the airline, mom calls from work...grandma is gone.

A few moments of tears gives way to trying to get 3 immediate tickets, pack for mom, Maria and myself, and set things up for Tony and the kids while I'm gone. We are scheduled on a 9:40 p.m. flight from San Francisco, so we have to be on the road to SFO by 5:00 p.m.

Packed and ready to run at 4:30, mom arrives home at 5:00 and we're off. 4 1/2 hour flight to Newark, then an hour flight to Syracuse, puts us in NY at 9:20 a.m. ... gotta love red-eye flights.

Wednesday, 6/22 - Coming together. Get to the rental car counter at 10:00 a.m. Budget has no record of our reservation, and of course, no cars available. Turns out it was a slight goof on my part on Travelocity.com. What can I say...packing for 3, changing flights and planning a last minute trip in 4 hours time...I was stressed. We end up with a Buick Rendezvous (which we later return for a cheaper car).

Aunt Marcia and her daughter, Laurie, are at my grandmother's house when we arrive after the hour drive from Syracuse. Walking into her house is surreal...and horribly sad. My mother falls apart, as expected, but is greeted by Marcia and Laurie with open, understanding arms. We talk a while, and other family begins to arrive. The family has five siblings, in age order, Walter, Marcia, Jim, Mom (Rita) and Chris. Chris arrives with his wife...he is the baby of the family. Uncle Jim arrives from Syracuse where he lives. The sadness is so thick it squeezes your heart. Finally Walter arrives, and the five are together for the first time in 21 years.

The five siblings go to Kowalzcyk Funeral Home to make grandma's final arrangements.

We check into our hotel, meet the family for dinner, then collapse...having been awake since 7 a.m the day before.

Thursday, 6/23 - The Business of Death. Mom and her family begin the process of handling my grandmother's estate. It's modest, and simple...but flooded with memories. More family arrives...cousins, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, spouses of the children...and as sweet as it is to see each other, each soul that arrives brings another facet of sadness to us all.

Friday, 6/24 - Facing Reality. The morning is uneventful...we decide on last minute wardrobe changes and shop a bit, then in the afternoon we gather for the calling hours at Kowalzcyk. This was where my mother suffers her first blows of the realness of it all...seeing her mother lying still in her dusty rose casket, in her pretty white suit, her rosary from Bethlehem in her hands. She is at peace, free of the pain of her earthly body, free of the work of a woman's life.

As the viewing wears on, I sit for a while near the front of the parlor looking at her small face. At all of 5'2" at her tallest, and maybe 100 pounds, I think of the life she led, the struggles she had. For the first time in my life, I think of her not just as a grandmother, but as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a citizen...a woman. I think of her losing her father when she was aged 3 to influenza. Of her living on a farm with her mother and 3 siblings. Of her being the only child in her family to graduate high school. Of living in a half-built house because it was her husband's dream. Of raising five children on a meager income. Of losing my grandfather 30 years ago to a teenaged drunk driver. Of her losing her older sister, her older brother, her friends...one by one. She was the last in the generation to leave us...and so the generations shift.

Saturday, 6/25 - Saying Goodbye. The family gathers at the funeral home at 8:30 for our last goodbyes. They call the family in order to pay our last respects...friends, nieces/nephews, grand and greatgrandchildren, then her five children. The casket is closed, and we walk together next door to Holy Trinity Catholic Church. As the pallbearers take her through the church doors, the bells toll once in solemn regard for the 88 1/2 years of an extraordinary woman's life.

As we enter the church, mom and her siblings are called to cover the casket with a pure white linen cloth. We take our seats in the pews, and the organist plays. My heart is breaking for my mother, who is seated to my left. Uncle Jim reads his eulogy...his letter to his mother. We receive communion, and grandma is blessed. They take her from the church, and we go...sad but sure that she is home with her Lord.

On to the cemetary we drive. Each of us receives a yellow rose, one of her favorite flowers, and the priest at St. Joseph's. says a prayer for her, and for all of us. We each leave our rose on top of her casket, and while most people leave, the five siblings and a few others stay for her final burial.

I want to scream out...not to let them put my grandma in the cold dark ground. But I only release a silent stream of tears, and hold my mother's arm as she watches them lay her mother to rest, next to grandpa, 30 years later.

As we leave, we talk...remark on how tomorrow would have been their 68th wedding anniversary. That evening, my Aunt Marcia, Mom, Marcia's three daughters (Tracy, Laurie and Leslie), and my sister and myself open Grandma's hope chest. We go through her most treasured items...her wedding gown, her graduation dress, the christening outfits from four of her children, bits of baby clothes, pictures and portraits... all of the things that are important to a woman's life...and the next two generations of the family's women come together to treasure them all. It was an important night for me...to share the legacy of the family's matriarch with my aunt, mother, and cousins.

More to come...

This and That

2005-07-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

Originally published 05/24/05

so where are we tonight...

tony's in los angeles for the week. greg is over his bout of herpangina, and nick is starting his. this has been the most draining childhood sickness we've been through. greg was positively miserable, and nick's not shaping up to fare much better. the nights are going to be tough without tony here, but mom and maria have both offered to step in if i need them. that's always good to know.

AF got here 3 days early, so i'm on CD 3 now. i really feel ready for the next baby. dealing with my mother on the subject won't be fun, since somewhere inside she still truly feels that our lives are still her business. ah well, i'm learning how to cope with her under the same roof. and by and large it's more than worth it.

our rain has stopped for the season. the backyard is set up with all our lovely furniture and outdoor 'stuff'. it's been in the upper 80s the last 3 days, so the end of spring is here...summer is quickly encroaching on our lovely spring days. we won't see rain again until october most likely, but that could be ok this year, since we had such a rainy season.

my roses are lovely! I'm so shocked that they're doing so well. i have 2 port wine red bushes on the side of the house, next to a yellow/pink/red hybrid. in the back is a white bush and a deep fuschia next to it. this winter i want to replant about 8 bushes along the fenceline where evangeline used to have them. the blooms are so big and pretty...next summer i should have a yard full of them.

our grapefruit are budding as well. the blossoms died a few weeks ago and the tiny green fruits are emerging. the plum tree is doing very well...they're about the size of golfballs now, but still green. i can't wait for our fruit! our neighbor has a cherry tree that overhangs our yard quite a bit. Sunday afternoon we were munching on luscious deep red cherries. the cherry crop is bad this year though, because of the abundance of rain...it soaks into the cherries and they expand and burst. i'm hoping without rain now, the remaining bright red cherries will darken without splitting and we can enjoy them.

i've got my warm season bedroom decor out. i opted for a lightweight quilt http://www.sears.com/sr/javasr/product.do?BV_UseBVCookie=Yes&vertical=HSWR&pid=096B0089000&subcat=Quilts+%26+Coverlets and pale green sheers to replace our opulent red/gold cool season bedding and window treatments. they're not my favorite, but they really do brighten up the room for the summer.
in preparation for baby #3, i'm planning the renovation of our office to nursery. http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/aramico99/detail?.dir=7f36&.dnm=ba1d.jpg&.src=ph the futon will remain...the shelf will remain...the desk is going in the garage...the tables will be dismantled and put away...and the stereo/tv will move to the other side of our room. i'll be making some double-thick draperies the same shade as the green walls to cut off the nursery/office from the rest of our bedroom, mostly for sound deadening inside the nursery. (i snore. a lot.) I still have a cherrywood crib greg used, and the matching changing table...and my baby dresser, all will be moved in there. i'll need new bedding, but that's about it.
i know it seems ridiculous to do all this planning for a baby that doesn't exist yet, but with 2 toddlers and the strain of my difficult pregnancies, i want to plan out as much ahead of time as possible, and when the times come for each thing to happen, i can just execute my plans.

Send Me Girl Vibes LOL

well this post has certainly been about a whole lot of nothing. i guess i need to do that now and then.
off to bed...

Out of body experience?

2005-07-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

Originally published 05/11/05

i'm not entirely sure i should call it that, but that's what it feels like. tonight i don't feel entirely inside my body. i feel like i'm watching my life from somewhere outside it and i'm rather uncomfortable at the show, quite honestly. it's actually an interesting perspective...it makes me wonder if the people who live around me feel this uncomfortable being a spectator of my life.

tony...well, his health is having marked declines. he spent most of last weekend in bed, after managing to struggle through the bare necessity of the lawn work. he felt icky and his itching was so bad he had to drug himself pretty heavily...that's what kept him in bed so long. imagine taking half a box of benedryl...that's about the equivalent of his prescription meds for this itching. he had his MRCP a few weeks ago. findings were inconclusive, of course. they can't really see anything without going gown the gullet. it did however show that his blockages are entirely inside the upper biliary tree, in the smaller ducts. the large duct isn't blocked. it's good and bad news. the large duct being open means flow CAN get in and out of the liver but it's bad because there's nothing that can be done to open up the small ducts up inside the liver, like shunts or dilation or stents. so last we heard, he's supposed to hear from the liver people at the university of san francisco. i suppose they'll evaluate him further and see where he stands for a transplant.

transplant. in an optimistic mind you think, ok great...he'll have a transplant, he'll be cured. the more i learn about this disease and transplants in general, the less sunny this is. first there's the ever looming black cloud of the numbers of people who die waiting for transplants. then there's the worry that my sister won't be a match for him. third there's the risk that the PSC can come back after the transplant, or that his body will reject the liver. and worst of all is how god awfully sick he has to be before he qualifies. the realization of the length of the road we're on is dawning on me all too quickly.

then there's our marriage. we had it out, boy hardy. i wrote him a serious letter, and he responded harshly at first but is actually complying with the things i said have to change. and so, i'm working hard on ME. the bottom line is, we're not going to divorce. we said forever, and unlike half of today's society, we meant it. it's going to be rough while we work it out, but we WILL work it out. i know where i need to change, and i'm really focusing on it. PROMISE.

then there's my health. omg i'm starting to have complications from this blasted disease. i'm pissed. at myself for not being more careful with my sugars. my left foot is numb in one spot all the time. my entire lower left leg has a tightness that scares the bejeezus out of me. so do i eat better? check my sugar more often? pshshhht. i have started to because i want another baby, but good lord, what's it going to take to light a fire under my ass to get HEALTHY??

so then there's that. a baby. i think i'm ready for another one. no...i know i am. but i'm swimming in ethical, moral questions about whether another baby is smart or 'right' at this stage of tony's health and my health. and our marital health. sure, things are good now but are the changes going to keep? i know we should wait...maybe. i'm off the pill. but since our sex life is virtually null, i probably didn't need to be spending money on the bloody things anyway.

on top of it all today we find out my maternal grandmother has liver cancer. she's 88 years old, they won't operate, and she isn't well enough for chemo or radiation. so that's it. now we wait for her to die and pray to god she doesn't suffer. i'm mad. i'm really fucking mad. i'm sick of my life fucking falling apart around me. i know, i know i should be grateful for all i have. i am.

maybe that's what my mind is doing...trying to get out of my life for a little while. and ignore the tingling in my left leg as i type away through a veil of burning tears. trying to ignore he who should be a healthy 33 year old upstairs in my bed slowly dying. trying to ignore the way the future likely looks 20 years from now. yeah, i'm really fucking pissed. now if i could only get this out of body experience to take me down the street to hang out in a body that isn't gone to shit so young for a while...

Anonymous...what does it signify?

2005-07-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

Originally published 03/14/05

i guess there's a thousand reasons why people do things anonymously...such as reporting a crime, or providing a tip for an investigation, etc. but if your life isn't in danger, for god's sake attach your name to things. own what you put out there for people to listen to.

i got an anonymous comment on my last entry. that's cool, i'm always curious to see what people have to say. so i'm going to respond to this comment, since i haven't previously made my stance on the anonymous bullshit known. but going forward, if you even want me to read your comment, put your damn name on it, ok?

this situation with my husband and myself wasn't a matter of someone doing something wrong. it was a matter of having different ways of doing things. and it was a matter of believing that the people closest to you saw and appreciated your hard work. your comment that i 'take it seriously' was pretty ridiculous. if i wasn't taking it seriously would it have bothered me enough to post about? to be so upset about? you also said that if it looked into the situation or somesuch, that i'd find children who miss me. children who miss me? what on earth does that mean? my children are 2 and 1 and are attached to me nearly all day. i'm actually stunned that you are telling me i need to spend more time with my family. if you don't know the specific situation, how can you know how much time i spend with my family, or how many hours a week my husband's job keeps him from his family? i can't possibly spend MORE time with my family. i can't control the hours he works, and that is the only thing that keeps him from his family, so i'm with him when he's not at work. and i'm RARELY away from our children. you are overstepping your bounds with your comment. because, you may think you know, but you really don' t know, you know?

anyway, on to today. the weekend was glorious. we actually managed to go camping without the boys. it was lovely. we have always loved to camp together, no distractions, just us and the lovely outdoors. i think next time we go, we'll definitely bring gregory...he'll love it. the weekend really helped us clear up some junk between us...like that he's been getting a lot of misinformation from my sister and/or mother about things with the kids. i'm not sure all the details, but enough came out to clear up things between he and i.

tony's off to los angeles for 2 days. had to drive down, poor guy. taking the car to an employee down there. he'll be back wednesday though...nice to have him go on short trips for once.

must cut this short...i only get short reprieves from the monotony of SAHMhood, so more later!

You know how you think you know but you don't know what you thought you knew?

2005-07-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

Originally published 03/09/05

well that's how i feel today.

i spent the better part of the morning being questioned about my mothering. by whom, you ask, my very own husband. nice, eh? i was also told that i'm difficult to talk to. and that "some people may not think i'm doing such a good job." ain't that a peach. i think it's borderline humerous that the person who spends the least time with the kids has so many opinions on the whole thing. i would actually have him use a week of vacation to spend the time with the kids like i do to see my side of things. i give him three days.

let's see...what was i questioned about...oh how much time i'm on the computer, how much time the boys are without me, how much time i actually spend WITH them, why they're always in the same room (the play room...go figure...kids in a play room a good part of the day). i feel like a used up punching bag, and my eyes look like a prize fighter's after all the wasted crying. i guess he thinks this house can get cleaned while i stay in the family room with the kids. he's constantly telling me "you have a lot of help around here" as if that lessens my duties as a mother.

you know what? there's just too much to get into...i'm too emotionally worn out to do it again.

there are so many problems in our relationship, i don't know where to start. i feel like my house just went through a hurricane and i'm standing in front of all the rubble trying to decide where to start cleaning first. and i'm just too tired to bother, quite honestly.

ugh, more later.

Forks in the Road, Pt II

2005-07-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

Originally published 03/04/05

i knew i'd come back to this.

our marriage continues to take 2 steps down and 1 step back. just barely holding back from impending doom, i fear. the worst part is, some days i couldn't care less. we both want another baby but we also both know the danger in that if we don't fix our marriage.

unbeknownst to me, he bought the book, "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. i'm stunned because i truly thought he despised that man. but i'm very happy that he notices the turmoil enough to do something about it. but curiously, and infuriatingly, he doesn't want me reading it yet. he took it upstairs after it arrived and started reading it. i figured i'd start on it while he's at work or busy in the yard, etc. he was angry! i don't understand THAT at all. needless to say, i'm reading it anyway. while he's at work or whatever. if i wait for him to finish before i read it, i'll be on my third husband.

every day is a struggle with him.

on a different note, he had his liver ultrasound yesterday. the results will go back to the doc and then he'll contact us. fucking disease...the people at the ultrasound place (doc included) had never even HEARD of it. so i hope they got the right images. also, he's got blood draws to do for liver/bile duct cancer. lots of finger crossing here. i mean, our marriage may be in the shitter right now, but i do love him and don't want him to die. besides, there are 4 kids here who adore him.

on a HAPPIER note, tomorrow is his 33rd birthday. i'm doing the cake, etc., and taking him out to dinner...but, isn't that funny? he's the one with the money!

anyway...off to buy his birthday present...more on THAT later haha!

Head in the Clouds

2005-07-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

Originally published 02/24/05

well, look at that. boy i have a tendency to wander around in my journals and the like. i'll be writing along and creatively fall asleep for a few months, and when i return i notice the flow from my last entry to this will make no sense.

then again, it could be the way life tends to throw curves at you when you least expect them.

tony's psc is getting worse. he has an ultrasound on march 3 to determine various things, then he's going to meet with the transplant people. he is very symptomatic now, itching is bad, pain in his joints, and the fatigue is the worst. it's...exhausting to watch him get through a day.

to make matters worse a gentleman in our psc support group was rediagnosed with psc in november after being transplanted last february. less than a fucking year and the disease is back. so much of this disturbs me...the hope that comes with a transplant dashed by the return of the illness...the liver that was transplanted in now wasted...having to go through the whole gammut all over again. his poor family.

there's a psc conference in denver in april. i so wish we could go, but on top of airfare and 89 a night for the hotel room, the registration for the conference is 300 per couple. just not possible this year. maybe next...

need to check with the pharmacy to see if his meds confusion was cleared up by the doc...

Forks in the Road, Pt I

2005-07-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

Originally published 12/01/04

Can this really be it? I mean, I'm actually going to make phone calls today. Can I afford to end it? I guess I have to go back to work. Oh my God...no matter how bad it is, this is really hard, isn't it? I guess counseling should come first but I don't think counseling will make him fall back in love with me, will it?

Duty calls...short post...more later

Election Day

2005-07-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

Originally published 11/03/04

i voted!

yes, it's that important, especially for women. watch the movie Iron Jawed Angels if you get the chance. awesome.

yes, i've decided no more caps unless i'm making a point or need them for other reasons. the shift key takes too much effort. this does not mean, however, that my posts are going to become ill-formed, grammar-deprived, run-on sentences. just taking a page from e.e. cummings. :)

i'm in chat as i type listening to and participating in the banter about the election. feeling somewhat sorry for our foreign chatters...this must bore them to tears LOL. although one astute aussie chatter did mention it is important for her to pay attention to US politics as their leader and ours are generally allies. cheers, friend!
now i've gone invisible in chat and can't get back in...fucking yahoo. i know it's a free service but for fuck's sake, people, get your shit together already.

so i guess i'll continue my diatribe in here about the electoral system. in a word, WTF?!?! millions and millions of people vote and in the end it doesn't mean snakeshit in the presidential election? how absurd. this country SERIOUSLY needs to catch up some old ways of thinking. that and term limits. for the love of pete, if the prez is doing a good job, and we keep reELECTING him (see, it's a democracy) then why can't he be there for 50 years if we want? insane.

while we're on the subject of political things, i'll just take this opportunity to mention that i do NOT think the requirement of being born in the USA should be changed for the presidential nomination. okok, considering what some immigrants go through perhaps they have a better love of this country than some americans do. but i have serious doubts that should push come to shove and our german president has to nuke germany, he'll be able to do it. what if he's still got family there, some deep ties to his motherland, or some property he owns or someshit...no thanks. gubernatorial candidates are one thing, presidential quite another.

still can't get back into chat. yeehaw.

wrapping this up. more later...

RE-lumination

2005-07-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

Originally published 11/01/04

Well, first off, I just realized that I titled my last entry "Illumination" but never explained WHY. So, I'll clear that little bit up first...

While I was laid up with my back problems, Tony obviously had to stay home and take care of the kids, etc. He had a real eye opening experience...he still doesn't understand how I do it all. So, it was nice...very illuminating. Needless to say, he bugs me a little less about shit around the house now.

Anyway...on to today...Tony's back in LA for a week. Halloween is OVER thank god. Although Gregory was quite hilarious whenever the doorbell rang last night. I just don't care for the holiday. It's creepy and kids have just gotten more and more rude over the years. Hardly any exclamations of "TRICK OR TREAT!!" and even fewer "thank you"s. Quite disheartening. And yes, I think it's asinine to take kids who can't eat candy out for trick or treat. People dress up their babies and young toddlers when they have NO idea what's going on. It's just stupid. Too many people do things to their kids for their own benefit, not the child's. And to use your young child to get candy for yourself? Ugh, people. Buy some fucking candy already.

Ok...enough of that. Tomorrow is election day. I was almost SOLID on my presidential vote until I found a side by side comparison of the two candidates on several issues. Now I'm officially ON the fence. So I'll need to do a bit more reading before tomorrow. I want to go early, and skip the lines. Or maybe mid morning would be best, when most people are at work. Tony's going to miss this election, I CAN'T believe it. He scheduled this trip to LA without thinking about election day and he waited too long to absentee vote. The dope. LOL Oh well, one less ultra conservative vote. :)

It's a positively beautiful day. I may need to get the swing cushion out so I can take the boys out back for a while. For now, it's Nicky's naptime...more later.

Illumination

2005-07-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

Originally published 10/27/2004.

Well it's been a week today since I was laid up with this stupid back problem. I'm moving pretty good again, it's just really difficult to stand for a long time or to pick up the boys. Tony was home with me for 3 work days, plus the weekend, so I really couldn't ask much more of him.

Now onto my diatribe about incompetent medical workers. I go to the ER last Wednesday night. My back had started to lock up about 11 am that day and by 5 pm I was almost completely immobile. So this doctor pokes at my back a little, tells me it's acute sciatica (duh) and gets on his soapbox about my weight. He says to me, I shit you not, "You're writing checks your body can't cash." ROFLMFAO. Let's just say he lost me right there. The rest of what he said was similar to the Charlie Brown teacher until he told me the drugs he'd be giving me and what to do for the next week. First of all, sciatica has nothing to do with your weight. TONS of people have problems with their sciatic nerve who aren't an ounce overweight. So then he goes on to tell me I should lay flat for 48-72 hours. Ok genius. That'll only make it worse and stiffer. But the beauty part was he gave me a pain reliever and a "muscle relaxer" to take. He offered me a shot to get me started but I said, no thanks...I'll wait for the pills.

So we go home. Turns out he gave me Vicodin (which didn't do jack shit for the pain, but did make me throw up buckets by day 3) and Diazepam, which, is NOT a muscle relaxer, but valium. I stay on my back for the first 24 hours and by Friday morning I want to die. There is NO comfortable position, the pain is excrutiating, I mean, it's all I can do to get to the bathroom. I called my regular doc, who prescribes me an anti inflammatory and tells me NOT to stay lying down but to move as tolerable. So with the new instruction, by Saturday afternoon I'm walking again. Sunday I actually got the grocery store but had to use one of those motorized scooter carts (UGH). It was worth it to get out of the house though.

Tony stayed home again Monday, but had to return to work yesterday, and is a madman trying to catch up now. Today I'm moving around as normal just careful with the bending and lifting. Still a measure of pain...I don't know how people with constant chronic back pain do it.

Off to work on finances...

NEW blog

2005-07-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

well, blog.com has pissed me off. difficult to navigate, not very user friendly, so i'm copying all my old posts over here. do me well, blogspot!