Pondering...

So, here's a question for tonight...

At what point does it all just become too much fucking work to bother anymore?

When every conversation turns into a fight?

When you look at each other and can't see past the resentment?

Moreover...how the hell do you end up there without realizing it?

You know, though...it all just keeps cementing in my theories about love and attraction. Big ol' fat ruse by Mother Nature to make sure the species survives.

Make women dumb enough to continue to put up with men's shit...so we'll keep having babies.
Make us fall so stupidly in love...so we'll keep having babies.
Make us so enthralled by the ideas of romance and weddings, honeymoons, intimacy...so we'll keep having babies.

I feel duped, and pissed.

I love my kiddos, not even a point to debate here. But in some ways, it feels like my choices for having them were limited by this force...a force for which I've yet to come up with a witty name.

Think about it. Why the hell would we even GET married if not to have kids and further the species? Marriage...in a word, generally sucks. It's so much better to just shack up with someone. When you've both had enough of each other, it's ten times easier to say goodbye.

But I digress...

I'm tired of being under someone's thumb. I'm tired of being scrutinized. I'm tired of being pulled in a dozen directions. And I'm REALLY tired of always falling short of my husband's unrealistic expectations of me. Am I perfect? Faaaaar from it. Am I easy to live with? Probably easier to live with a pissy porcupine. So, I definitely don't blame him entirely for our problems.

But...

I feel at this stage that the only way for him to be perfectly happy with me is if the following scenario were true...

...he comes in from work, house is neat, kids are quietly playing something. Dinner is done or almost done, and my chores are done for the day, meaning no laundry or anything to do after the kids are in bed that might distract me from HIM. Bills are all paid, without ever having to juggle anything or make a mistake now and then. I'm dressed in a manner he appreciates, and I'm in a good mood. He doesn't want to see me cranky after a day with kids, or wiped out in any way. I should have had all my 'me' time BEFORE he got home, so again, I'm not distracted from him. I must agree with everythi...

Nah. Nevermind. Some of it isn't true, though it feels like it. In reality, the only way he's ever going to be happy is if I stop playing in Second Life all together. I'm really angry at him right now.

And I'm really REALLY tired of fighting for this marriage and getting nowhere.

So I refer you back to my opening questions in this post.