Stuck in the middle with you...

So I sort of closed a door on my marriage today. I'm not even sure where I am emotionally right now other than lost. Maybe that's all I am. Lost. I've been living in a fog for a while, most of the time just existing, or...rather, subsisting. There is so little left of me, it's insane. I put all my everything into my marriage for a long time, giving it all, holding back nothing. Which I've always believed is the way to love. What's the point in half-assing it? Well...now I know. The point of half assing it is so that when the shit finally falls apart, you aren't totally lost in it. There's still something left of yourself to grab onto and pull up out of the debris.

I'm stuck in the middle there. Do you love all the way and risk it all, or hold something back and always wonder what might have been?

I guess at least I can say I know I have no questions about that. I gave it all, and I know what might have been, or rather, what was. But where that leaves me is not a pretty place.

I should suppose elaborate on my opening statement and say that I'm not getting a divorce. My reasons are shitty. They're not romantic, they're not interesting, they're not even admirable. But they are all I've got, and I'm sticking to them.

I'm not interested in finding someone else. I'm too passionate, too all-or-nothing, too wild to meet someone. On top of that, there's the whole idea of my kids getting used to another man, and, well...no. I'm not interested in putting my kids in daycare. I'm not interested in working my ass off to pay for said daycare. Am I staying married just for the paycheck? Whip me once, you bet your ass I am. It's a big fucking paycheck, too. But, if he moves out, there's a possibility of another woman taking care of my babies. Whip me again. Then I have to worry about the caliber place my kids are staying in...nonono...forget it. Or, he moves out of state and never sees them.

What if he wants another relationship? He's welcome to it. But he can't leave. He made this bed with me, we're both going to fucking lie in it until our obligation to raise our kids is fulfilled. He can fuck or date anything he wants to when he's out of town (which is most of the time), but when he's home, he'd better be home to see his kids. I don't care if he has a girl in every city. Just leave me alone.

So, I'm sure some of you out there are saying, "Why can't he find another job?" or "What about marriage counseling?" I'll happily answer those both. First, the easy one. Marriage counseling. I agree, love to try it. Problem is, he's never home. One week a month, one session a month. Call me skeptical. I don't think it'd work.

So why not find another job? This is the tough one. He identifies with his job, probably as most men do. He's old school enough that almost feels that his sole responsibility is to provide financially for his kids and wife. I am proud of that. When he got his big promotion and raise this month, my heart and pride were beaming. He started out in the biz with no education, no experience, and went from armored car courier to Operations Manager for a national ATM company. That's a lot of hard work and dedication at the expense of his family. But he did it, and that kind of loyalty is hard to find.

And he loves his job. LOVES his career. How can I hear the excitement and pride in his voice when he talks to me and then let him leave that job? I'm not that evil.

So I'm stuck in the middle again. A job that would allow him to be home more would be ideal. But this man is the textbook definition of passive-aggressive. He'll do it, and if the new job falters in any capacity on his satisfaction scale, guess who'll get the blame? Right-O!

I'm not the sort who does well in a relationship when there isn't any together time. What's the point, anyway of being with someone when you're never WITH that someone? That's the precise reason why I could never be with a military man. I need togetherness, I crave the man I love. Our life feels like a business partnership. He makes the money, I manage it. He pays for the home, I manage it. That part works ok. It's when there's feelings involved that it gets shitty.

So I've told him tonight, that I do not want anything from him in a husband capacity. He is expected to fulfill his obligations as financier and father. He is free to do as he pleases on his own time, but when he's home, to please be home. The rings are off, the past is complete. We are now working together to raise our kids.

And now comes the collective statement: If your marriage is bad, the kids will know it and you're better off apart. Maybe. I might even agree with that when our kids are older. But right now they need him. They need to feel his presence even when he's not here. They need to be surrounded by his things when he's gone so they know he's coming back. I'm a good enough actor, I can fake the shit that looks like happiness for the kids' sakes.

I forgot how much there was of me. So much more than mother. So many things I can do, and do well, that have been forgotten. I've met people in the recent months who have passively and actively reminded me that there's an artist, a writer, a comic, an intellectual, a sympathizer, a listener, and a woman still inside of me. They're right.

They say ignorance is bliss, and I completely agree. When I had forgotten all those parts of me, it was easier. But when I started rediscovering them, something woke up in me that realized how much I'd been missing, and it was pissed. That thing doesn't want to go back to sleep now. And I'm afraid to let it, honestly, for fear that this time it'd be gone for good. There's so much I miss in my life, I'm tired of it. And does reawakening this creature mean that I get all those things? Not really, not all of them, not now. But it does remind me to keep faith that all of me is not dead. All of me is not mother. All of me is still there somewhere.

So I've been stuck in the middle for a few months. Stuck in between a severe inner conflict of trying to learn how to love all of someone without question. Accepting him for everything he is and not believing that he should change. I was almost there. Ready to jump and surrender. But I just couldn't cut the rope. At the last minute I said, no way. That's giving up, giving in, giving away the things in me I need. I've learned that you don't have to love everything in someone. And if there's things in that someone you can't love, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Acceptance, however, is definitely crucial. And while you can learn to accept some things in a person, forcing yourself to accept them all can be self-destructive.

So there it is. I'm in the middle of rediscovering myself and managing my marriage. As one side of that scale gets bigger, the other side shrinks.

But I know this...I will not give up that which has led me to my reawakening. The vessel that takes you back to you is precious. And so it shall remain.

And of course, my heart, tonight is broken. I miss what was. I miss the idea of what now should be.

I have regrets...and that is the greatest regret of all.