One of those nights

It's one of those nights tonight. Up late because of the aftermath of a flooded bathroom. The second hydromess of the day; nick already played in the potty once today. Bathtime was far worse, but oh well...the floor is clean now and there'll be lots of freshly washed towels.

I'm just here tonight thinking of those three creatures upstairs sleeping who have tumbled my world so much since they arrived, each in their own way. Some days I look forward to being finished with the strain of young childhood...but mostly I wonder how I'm going to get by when there are no more little toes, no more baby talk, no more diapers and no more sippy cups. No more cribs, carseats and strollers. No more onesies and light-up sneakers.

What on earth will I do the day I wake up and realize my baby boys are broad of shoulder and deep of voice, and resemble their daddy more than my little angel babies of yesteryear? How does one cull the heartache of knowing her baby girl has turned into a strong, beautiful young woman who reminds her more of herself than she'd like to admit?

I know I have a long time until those days...but how many times do we look back on an event a year ago, or 5 years ago and think, Jesus, how FAST that year went! It can't be FIVE years! I know, before I know it, I'll be sending them off to Kindergarten (Greg's already in preschool), teaching them to drive, watching them drive away on a first date, beaming as they cross the stage to receive their diplomas...

I'll be done soon enough with kissing booboos and folding little clothes. Soon enough it'll be trying to mend a broken heart and keeping up with the latest fashion for young people. Too soon...too soon.

Dear Lord, please...help me remember that while they're very little, they won't stay this way for long. Every day, help me keep my patience, help me cherish every smile, every giggle, every single solitary request for my attention. Help me realize that someday my house will be very quiet and empty...and that I need to enjoy every second of their young lives while I can.

Gregory, Nicky and Fia...you're the heart in my body, the sweetest reasons for living. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Baby Mine...for my Gregory...

This is for you, my precious boy. I love you.

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart,

never to part,

baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,

pay no heed what they say.

Let your eyes sparkle and shine,

never a tear,

baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,

they'd end up loving you, too.

All those same people who scold you,

what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes,

you're not much, goodness knows.

But, you're so precious to me,

sweet as can be,

baby of mine.

Baby Mine, Bette Midler

What the hell

Man, I sure wish I knew what the hell is wrong with me lately. Wait...before I go any further, let me clarify that I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND WOULD NOT TRADE THEM FOR ANYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE OR HISTORY.

Now, that being said...lately I am missing the hell out of my child-free days. I miss the luxury of waking up when I want to on the weekends. I miss being able to take a nap on Saturday afternoon. I miss being able to stay up until 5 a.m. because I can sleep most of the next day. And DAMN I miss my old body!!!

Ok, THAT part I'm working on. 100 lbs lost since Sofia was born and I'm pretty damned proud of that. But OY I have a long way to go. More weight to lose, and tons of toning. And I'm petrified I'm going to need surgery to get rid of the skin. She was so huge, my belly was SO stretched...I'm over 30...I just don't see it tightening back up on its own.

I realized today, I didn't appreciate my pre-baby body for the plus-sized beauty it had. There was a time I could have WORN this dammit:

And would have looked fucking hot, too. Even in my voluptuous body. Now, ugh. Age and childbirth have not been kind to me. I WANT THAT BACK. And I swear to God my hair has stopped growing altogether. It's not bad enough I lose it like made after I have a baby, now it's just at some sort of hideous growth plateau. I want my long, silky, wavy locks back, too. *sigh*

This can't last long, can it? Do most women go through this at some point while they're stuck in domesticland? I love my family, they're the best part of my life. But there's a ME in there that has no place in this life and she's been BEGGING to come out and play. I want to say yes! I've never been 100% content in this SAHM role and now it's really bugging me.

Ah fuck it. I'm rambling. Doesn't matter anymore. Just be a good mommy, get in some wifing time when you can, die with a few bucks in the bank, you'll be set.

Oh and Happy Easter everyone :)

You know what I miss...

Holy shit, maybe it's true. Married 7 1/2 years and itchin' real bad...but not for what you'd think. I don't want to stray, I'm not interested in cheating, not in the least. The problem is...I miss insatiable love...

When moonlight crawls along the street

Chasing away the summer heat

Footsteps outside somewhere below

The world revolves I've let it go

We build our church above the street

We practiced love between these sheets

The candy sweetness scent of you

It bathes my skin I'm stained of you

And all I have to do is hold you

There's a racing within my heart

And I am barely touching you

I miss the way he loved me...I miss the way he wanted me. I miss being adored, and cherished. I miss feeling that I'm beautiful. Why does this happen to us if the desire to keep the flame burning still exists inside?

The moonlight plays upon your skin

A kiss that lingers takes me in

I fall asleep inside of you

There are no words

There's only truth

Breathe in breathe out

There is no sound

We move together up and down

We levitate our bodies soar

Our feet don't even touch the floor

But nobody knows you like I do

'Cause the world may not understand

That I grow stronger in your hands

There is a joy that is singularly exclusive to falling in love. No...not even falling in love. Having someone want you more than anything else. Having someone breathless at your touch. Watching a man squirm as he realizes he has no control of his own body as it betrays him, rising to the bait of a woman who he can barely stand to be without. The games of new lust, being wanted and wanting, able to think of little else all day long.

We never sleep we're always holdin' hands

Kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans

I feel like a better man

Just being in the same room

We never sleep there's just so much to do

So much to say

Can't close my eyes when I'm with you

Insatiable the way I'm loving you

I love my children, I love my life, but for a day, to be back in the arms of a man who shut out the entire world to be mine and mine alone... there is no greater pleasure. To see his eyes light up when I come in the room. To smile to myself when I notice the little way he has to catch his breath a bit when he inhales my scent. To feel his heat radiating through me when I brush his skin with mine. To close my eyes and breathe deep and still be able to smell him on me after we've parted for the day. To lie in the embers of our lovemaking, barely able to breathe, lost in a cloud of swirling mists of passion, bathing in that golden light in near silence, but for the pounding of my heart and that undeniable voice in my soul that calls even then for more of him.

Turn the lights down low

Take it off

Let me show

My love for you

Insatiable

Turn me on

Never stop

Wanna taste every drop

My love for you

Insatiable

Yet the most powerful bit...the one I miss the most...is knowing, truly knowing that even when you're not intoxicating him with your presence and touch, he's thinking of you and knowing you're out there loving him, waiting for him, unable to feel complete without him.

I miss insatiable love. I am a lover. I am passionate. I need to have that fire to feel alive. It is a hole at the core of my being that ONLY insatiable love can fill.

I don't want to believe that our desire for that kind of love is only a biological farce to get us to procreate. I don't want to have to suppress my desire so that I can get along in this world. Asking me not to want this kind of love is like asking me not to breathe. It's as vital to life to me as oxygen. Look around us...human desire for insatiable love is evident in a million ways. It's woven into the notes of songs, written into the scripts of movies, weeping in the dewdrops on flowers, even sighing in the breeze at sunset. We're MEANT to love this way, our bodies are warm and soft and meant to be touched. We are meant to be cherished and enjoyed. And I don't want to live without it anymore.

Question is...what the hell do I do about it?

Insatiable lyrics by Darren Hayes