Installing a switch

I'm going to see about having a switch put in. I wonder who I should call...maybe a carpenter? They'll know where to cut and saw and hammer to put it in. A carpenter will know how to measure, and how to attach it so that it doesn't fall off, or weaken.

Oh, no...an electrician. Yeah, they'll be more familiar with the wiring. An electrician will give it the proper amperage and wattage, so that it will always work and won't short out. He'll install it safely, so it does its job without fail.

Hmmm...maybe I should call a doctor instead. Yeah... a psychiatrist. They're real doctors...and a psych would know to be sure it's connected to my brain too. This is definitely a matter that involves my brain.

No...they're not so good with surgery I don't think. So, a surgeon...yeah. Hmm...

Oh wait, I know. A cardiologist needs to do it. Yeah. They know all about the heart. They'll know just where to install a switch so that when the man I love more than anything in the world shows me yet again that his family isn't the first priority on his list, I can just turn the switch off. That'll HAVE to stop this ache, right?

...right?

My Sofia Story, Part 1

Your first birthday fast approaches…14 days away as of this writing. Somehow the first year of my sweet baby girl’s life has gone so very very fast. It is the true injustice of motherhood, how fast time flies. It feels like only yesterday I was so anxious to meet you, to end the trial and joy that was your pregnancy. Yet here you are, a toddler, doing things that only a year ago were just daydreams in my mind of a future yet unwritten…a future with my daughter.

I can’t help but think of what your life might be like when you’re older, just as I do with your brothers. But with you, it’s different. Probably because I was once a little girl too…probably because someday you’ll be a woman…and I have some idea of what you’ll go through as a growing girl and grown woman someday. Definitely because you are my youngest and last child ever…and every day with you is a tiny bit more precious than the last. Not enough to be measurable, just that with the passing of time, the grip of your tiny fingers around my heart grows stronger and bigger, just like you do. With every smile you sink deeper into my soul, with every tear you claim a bigger piece of my heart.

I love watching your daddy with you. It’s funny, how we are as parents with our children of different genders. Daddy watches over you in a fiercely protective way, that will only grow more and more so as you get older, more beautiful, and more mischievous. Just as I want to keep Gregory and Nicholas my little boys forever, daddy wants to keep you his little girl…innocent and small in his arms. While I have the same desire to keep you safe and little, I know that you’ll need to learn so much to be a woman, and a mother, a wife, if you so choose those paths. Just like daddy knows he has to teach Greg and Nicky how to be men. So when we clash, as we WILL do, remember that I’m only always thinking of your future, your happiness, your security.

But for now, you are my almost-year-old baby girl. You have a joy and beauty about you that is almost indescribable. It’s not your locks of midnight hair or your huge, sparkling eyes. It’s not your perfect little face, or the silly way you walk, it’s not even the way you reach up to me and ask me to pick you up with those two tiny grabbing hands…it’s who you are inside, the personality that grows more complex and intriguing every day. Knowing that there’s a little bit of me, and a little bit of daddy in there…and mostly a little bit of who is just simply our Fia making you the most beautiful, lovable, precious baby girl that ever was.

Happy Birthday, My Sofia. You are the sweetest way for me to learn even more about being a mother.

My Nicholas Story, Part 1

My little bug…My Nicky. You are so uniquely you…you make me laugh every single day, so many many times. There is a special kind of joy in my life simply from seeing your face first thing in the morning with your sleepy eyes all the way up to kissing your cheek as I tuck you into bed at night. The way you talk, the funny things you say, the unbelievable wit and comedy you display that is so funnily surprising coming from such a little guy, you are so pleasingly “Nicky”.

Today you are 2 years, 11 months, and 10 days old. When I think of you turning three in just 21 short days, my heart hurts just a bit too much. You were such an unexpected and lovely surprise to me. I couldn’t wait to see what you’d look like, how big you’d be, how well you’d sleep, eat, play…I already knew how well you’d fit into my arms and my heart. You came along and were so fragile and sick…I thought I knew how to pray until then. I sure do now. As ear-piercing as your screams can be as a frustrated little guy, I’m glad to hear them, because they tell me you are a whole, healed, healthy boy, and that is the sound of pure joy.

I know you’re in a sticky spot…a middle child stuck between a big brother who needs some extra attention and a little sister who is the princess after two big brothers…but rest assured, my little one, you are never lost or forgotten to me. I am always thinking of you, with your inviting eyes, and your dimple…I’m always wanting to hold your chubby little hands…I’m always looking for my next Nicky kiss. Nothing tops the way you walk up to me carrying your silky, and look into my eyes…and then just smile at me.

You are a busy boy…and you have so very much to do while you’re growing up. I know all too soon you’ll be a big tough guy, borrowing the car, putting on too much cologne (just like your daddy) trying to impress the girls. But what you don’t know, and I do, is that they’ll already be unable to resist your charms. Those eyes of yours, that killer smile, your intoxicating laugh. I see a light in you that will draw people to you, of all kinds, because you embody warmth and light and love.

For now, though, you are my little bug. I’ll keep stealing kisses and snuggles as long as you’ll let me, and I’ll probably hug you a tiny bit longer than you want me to…for likely your whole life.

There is no one like you, my Nicky. And I am SO blessed to have been your buddy through the sweet, innocent years of your life.

My Gregory Story, Part 1

Gregory…you know, we went through about two dozen names before we settled on yours. And oh how it fits you now. I can’ t imagine you as any other name but our Gregory Charles.

You are a bit past a month older than 4 as of this writing. Four…I know that in the scheme of your life it is but a blink, but they have been the four most important years of my life. With you, everything was new, and still is! You have a tough job as the oldest, and the challenges that you already face will probably provide a bit more to handle as the biggest brother of you three Amicos.

You seem so big to me lately, so “little boy” and no longer “baby boy”. I suppose that’s because you truly are no longer a baby. Long gone are the bottles, the baby food, the crib, the rattles, and even now the diapers (yay!!!). Gone are the days of cradling you alongside my body after a big bottle and even bigger burp while you drift off to sleep next to my heartbeat. Yes, I’ve had those soft, tender times with your brother and sister, but with you they were fresh and new. The memory now of them is surreal…like drifting in warm, billowy clouds in near silence, with a golden wash of sunlight illuminating a dream…and you, tiny, perfect and soft sleeping inside the circle of my arms.

I held you that first day I brought you home, hardly believing you were truly mine. It still amazes me that your father and I created you, that you grew inside of me, and that I was given such a gift from God. There is no other Gregory, you are singular and unique and so special to me.

Though you will never understand it, all the challenges you face are mine as well. I walk through them all with you, sometimes holding your hand when I can, sometimes in the shadows of helplessness, sometimes cheering you on. And the hardest part of all is when I sometimes have to let you go to navigate your trials on your own. At times it seems like far too much for a small boy to live with, but I have to believe that you will grow within yourself and learn to be all you need to be around the challenges that you face. As long as I draw breath, I will be here for you, to help you through whatever I can, and be there for you if all else fails. But I know you…in your first four years in my life I have learned nothing quite as strong as your determination. You don’t even know it yet, but it’s there. And it will get you through anything…I know it will.

I treasure precious moments from you so much, because you’re going to need me to care for you less and less over the coming years. It’ll turn into a different kind of need, that I know. But I rather like the day-to-day tasks of your young childhood. Picking out your clothes, bathing you, helping you dress, helping you clean up your toys. The one thing I do hope never changes is your hug. There is love and peace and perfection inside your little arms when you hug me so tight. It’s the sweetest part of my day.

I just checked on you sleeping tight in your bed. Looking more like the baby I remember than the little boy trying to be bigger and bigger every day. Oh if you could only stay that little boy for a while longer than the worlds will allow…

You are so very special to me, Gregory. You made me what I love more than anything…a mommy.

Something new...

Ok I'm sitting here late at night, as is my stupid habit. But lucky me, tonight my creative juices were flowing. It's lucky because USUALLY when they strike, I'm knee deep in kid stuff and couldn't write if I wanted to. But tonight, I had the opportunity, and I took it.

For a while now, I've been wanting to start "Kid Journals". Little letters and notes to each of my children that someday I'll give to them. So tonight I started. I doubt I'll post all of my entries here, but I thought I'd post them as a little hooray for actually starting the project.

So, enjoy them if you like. They'll probably sound a lot cornier to you than to me...and probably to me too at a decent hour when I reread them, but hey...the sincerest emotions flow when you're tired and too wiped out to try and block them.

Cheers!