DOWN WITH SUPERMOMMYHOOD!

This is what I'm saying! I'm done with it! DOWN WITH SUPERMOMMYHOOD!!

Any woman raising kids today knows what I mean. There's this feeling of doubt surrounding us when it comes to being a mother. Making choices, molding our children, planning futures...boy if you're not on top of it all, you're a crappy mother, take a hike.

BLAH! I've been drowning in this sea of scrutiny by society and other mothers since the first time I had Gregory out in public. Well I'm grabbing hold of a buoy today and I ain't gettin' pulled under again.

There's this tremendous pressure for a woman today to do it all. Have a job, raise your kids, be a doting wife, find time for yourself, have a circle of girlfriends, volunteer in the community...yadda yadda yaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh it's enough to make you scream! Who on EARTH has time for all that without shirking something or someone somewhere! So here's where I sit today, girls:

I'm a stay-at-home mommy. I have three kids, 4, almost 3, and almost 1. I do not have a job outside the house, and as long as our finances hold out, I don't plan to. So all you working mommies who think I'm lazy, kiss both sides of my butt. I don't need a career outside the home to fulfill some inner need or whatever modern bullshit you want to spew at me. I had a career once, and someday I'll have another. But for now, my career is child engineering :) *WARNING, majorly NON PC statement coming up* And I couldn't imagine HAVING kids and leaving them with someone else all day!!!

NEXT! My kids don't attend playdates with other kids. Generally, I don't LIKE other kids. I don't need my kids to be interacting with them. It's really just a way for other SAHMs to get together and spend a couple of hours one-upping each other. "Billy's reading, and he just had his first birthday!" (PUKE) "Stacey's walking and her cord JUST fell off!" (WHATEVER) My contribution to this would be, "Sofia's eating dime-sized pieces of carpet fuzz now!" Because THAT is what kids really do!!! I don't need this kind of boob-slapping with a bunch of other mothers three times a week. I'd rather stay home with my little ankle-biters watching Boohbah and eating Cheetos.

SO! On the topic of food...my kids don't always eat three balanced meals a day. Fire me. Sometimes we have pudding for breakfast. There are days that lunch consists of cookies and cheez-its. And yes, poptarts are an occasional substitute for dinner. My oldest won't touch a vegetable with someone else's digestive system, so he eats what he'll eat. I'm not going to waste my precious energy on a battle of the food groups with a 3-year-old. I'll save that for the upcoming years. Oh, you know what else? My babies eat solids LONG before six months. You try keeping an 18 lb 3 month old on liquids only. HA! And you know what ELSE? My last two babies were on whole milk by eleven months! CALL THE AUTHORITIES!

On to sleeping we go! My oldest needed to lie down with someone to go to sleep until he was almost 3 (after he moved into a twin bed). I use the Cry-It-Out method with my babies once they reach around a year old (and WOOO do I battle my husband and mother on that one). Before then, it's bottles and rocking until they're fast asleep. OH, and if my 11 month old wakes up in the middle of the night and wants a bottle, she gets one. Same as when she was 3 months old. Screw schedules, and screw routine.

Ok so what's left? Oh TV...bring on the Noggin, Sprout, Disney Channel, Nick Jr., whatever. Yes, I have used the television as a babysitter so I can get laundry done, make dinner, play with one of the kids one-on-one, and so I can check my email. The AAP says no more than 2 hours or some such shit of TV a day, and only after age 2? RIIIIGHT. How else would I learn all the words to the Backyardigans theme, the Wiggles "Fruit Salad", or Oobi's goodnight song?

Ok so now about my wifely duties. I don't get gussied up to lay on the floor with toddlers all day. I get up, wipe the sleep from my eyes, put shorts and a tshirt on and get on with my day. Does this bother my husband? Probably, but it's just senseless. When my Dear Hubby mows the lawn in a tuxedo, I'll spend my day with kids in a skirt and heels. (Well, no I won't...but you get my drift.)

And finally, my house. Ah, mi casa. My castle. My prison (hehehe). Yep, my kitchen floors go unmopped for 2 weeks sometimes. My closet is a disaster area. The garage is suitable for hiding bodies provided by all the clutter. And somedays there are extra carpet snacks lying about for Sofia because I don't have the energy to vacuum. I don't bleach ANYthing, and I DON'T WASH PILLOWS! The windows get washed maybe once a year, along with the curtains.

And yet here we are, alive and well amongst the filth of subparmommyhood. Thriving with macaroni and cheese and hotdogs on occasion. Skipping toothbrushing once in a while because they fell asleep on the floor in front of the *gasp* tv. I may never live up to Wisteria Lane status (not that I want to) or even the image my foremothers have set up for me...but maybe, just maybe, my family will make it out alive, happy and productive members of a society that'll spend half of their adulthood forcing some uber-ridiculous ideal down their throats. Maybe they'll know too, by then, how insane it is.

Yeah, I think we'll be just fine.