I wish I were Autistic/Guilt City
Sound crazy? Listen to my reasoning.
If I were Autistic enough to understand how it works, but mildly enough to be able to communicate effectively, I could understand my son. Right now I'd know what it feels like for Gregory to be upstairs, unable to sleep and not wanting anyone's touch or sound nearby. I'd know what it's like to live in anxiety. I'm learning that autism is living inside anxiety. That it is anxiety looking for a target. Somewhere to fall to release the tension of anxiety. Can you imagine living like that?
I'm assuming his recent bouts of horrible sleeping are connected to what I mentioned in my earlier post about his brain rewiring. He's usually such a good sleeper.
I WISH I WERE AUTISTIC...I want to understand this for him. Get inside it and live it and find a way to understand it for ME. Because when he's thrashing around in his restless slumber, I want to know if he's truly miserable or if that's how he just accepts life to be. Is it painful? Is it uncomfortable? Is it upsetting to him? Or is it just how it is for him? Or all of the above? I want to know, and not just what the textbooks tell me, either.
On another note, you wanna talk about GUILT...I've spent the last few days realizing how badly I've mishandled Gregory his entire life. Letting him cry it out when he was a baby...Jesus Christ how damaging was that to a fragile boy like him? What about the times I lost my temper? The occasional spanking? Good Lord...
And now my mom brings home a report that autism may be caused by television. Well, first...I'm WAY skeptical...but I'm biased too. It's hard to doubt something that kept food on our table and clothes on our backs for so many years. Also, in retrospect I remember so many things about Gregory that happened long before any kind of television viewing that now ring of autism.
If I dared, I'd take a valium tonight. I can't shut my mind off, replaying over and over all the things I've done wrong with him...all the things he must feel and go through every single plain day of his life. Maybe this is why I've had a headache for 3 days.
Please God, let my son sleep peacefully. He has no peace during his waking hours...please touch him with your gentle hand and help him through this.
I'm out...too spent for more.
If I were Autistic enough to understand how it works, but mildly enough to be able to communicate effectively, I could understand my son. Right now I'd know what it feels like for Gregory to be upstairs, unable to sleep and not wanting anyone's touch or sound nearby. I'd know what it's like to live in anxiety. I'm learning that autism is living inside anxiety. That it is anxiety looking for a target. Somewhere to fall to release the tension of anxiety. Can you imagine living like that?
I'm assuming his recent bouts of horrible sleeping are connected to what I mentioned in my earlier post about his brain rewiring. He's usually such a good sleeper.
I WISH I WERE AUTISTIC...I want to understand this for him. Get inside it and live it and find a way to understand it for ME. Because when he's thrashing around in his restless slumber, I want to know if he's truly miserable or if that's how he just accepts life to be. Is it painful? Is it uncomfortable? Is it upsetting to him? Or is it just how it is for him? Or all of the above? I want to know, and not just what the textbooks tell me, either.
On another note, you wanna talk about GUILT...I've spent the last few days realizing how badly I've mishandled Gregory his entire life. Letting him cry it out when he was a baby...Jesus Christ how damaging was that to a fragile boy like him? What about the times I lost my temper? The occasional spanking? Good Lord...
And now my mom brings home a report that autism may be caused by television. Well, first...I'm WAY skeptical...but I'm biased too. It's hard to doubt something that kept food on our table and clothes on our backs for so many years. Also, in retrospect I remember so many things about Gregory that happened long before any kind of television viewing that now ring of autism.
If I dared, I'd take a valium tonight. I can't shut my mind off, replaying over and over all the things I've done wrong with him...all the things he must feel and go through every single plain day of his life. Maybe this is why I've had a headache for 3 days.
Please God, let my son sleep peacefully. He has no peace during his waking hours...please touch him with your gentle hand and help him through this.
I'm out...too spent for more.
posted by Rebecca | 1:24 AM
3 Comments:
Hey hun, I am really sorry that your baby is going through this I know what it's like to watch your child go through something you wish you could take on for them. I remember watching my son in pain, scared, confused and just wanting so much to know what to do to make it all go away. But as bad as that was, I can't even imagine what you are dealing with. I wish I knew the right words to say to help ease what you are feeling but I know there really aren't any. All I can say is that I am here for you if you ever need to vent, talk, or scream. As far as going back and thinking about all you did wrong you need to not do that. You are a great mother and you did the best you could and you didn't know what the future was going to bring. You have to give yourself a break, you are human we all are and we do the best we can and you have to know that you are a great mom because the love you have for your children more than shows that. Stay strong!
Beca,
I cannot begin to imagine what this must be like, so I won't try to pretend that I understand. What I will say is that as a mother, I understand the guilt and I'll tell you what my grandmother told me. All mothers deal with guilt- it's the tragedy of motherhood. Motherhood is the only job in the world where there are infinity plus one ways to do the job wrong and not a single way to do it right. We will second-guess, blame, and question every move we make for the rest of our lives.
Gregory loves you. He does not blame you. He knows you have only had his best interest at heart. He understands that there isn't much you can do for him. Anyone that knows the two of you knows that the two of you have enormous love for each other. Hang in there, because you're doing fine.
Love Ya!
Loki
Beca I cant start to imagine how you are feeling. I wish I were there to give you a huge hug and to let you cry on my should or just be there to let you talk to someone that will listen. You are a damn good mom and those 3 kiddos are lucky to have you. You may not realise it now but later on in life they will be forever grateful for the way you raised them, Greg included. Yesterday when I read about Greg tears started flowing and then again this morning. I really wish there was something I/We could do to help Greg out. I love you sweetie and I am always around if you EVER need anything (I have to big shoulders and 2 ears that hear fairly well, I might need to clean them out first though.... that better have made you laugh dang it).
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