The Nature of Things

I have such a nasty habit of starting posts, saving them to draft and never finishing them. Then I come back and just publish whatever I had, so if something looks wacky, that'd be why.

I am slipping into such a miserable depression. I feel myself going, I feel the downward tug, and I just don't care. I try to pretend like I am happy and pushing forward with life as best I can, but in reality most of the time I really just don't care. Everything suffers for it, too. But I feel pretty damn useless, honestly. Diaper changer, kid feeder, mess cleaner, chef, personal shopper, laundress, nurse, mechanic. I suppose such is the life of a SAHM, and while I have the great ideaology of why I shouldn't feel that way, I do anyway.

No one ever told me how much you can lose yourself in your life. There is no Becky anymore, only mommy. My children are my entire world, and I wouldn't give them up for anything, but there is no me left. My marriage has sapped my spirit, and left me married to a man who is married to his work and who is turning into a very unlikable person in life. I see things coming out in him that scare me, things that people don't like to be around, and he's deluded about the whole thing. It is also very clear to me that we are quite far down his priority list. I do respect that he has to work hard to enable me to stay home with the children, but it's very clear he'd rather BE at work than at home. I tell him I don't care, and you know what? I'm truly beginning not to care.

That's just it, I don't care.

I don't care if the laundry piles up to the ceiling, I don't care if the toys ever get put away, I don't care if the floor gets vacuumed, I don't care what people eat. So why do I keep doing it? I don't know. I just don't know anything right now. Only that I feel very useless and very used up.

My health and appearance are suffering big time. But I tell myself, why on earth would I care what I look like when 90% of the time I'm home in my house with three people who don't care what I look like. Food is my comfort, I turn to it all day, and I see no signs of stopping that. Somehow even the knowledge that I need to control my diabetes so that I can be here for my children in the long run doesn't seem to be enough to wake my ass up.

I know what it is...it's my failing marriage, honestly. It sucks, really sucks to be unloved anymore. To see a man who resents me for making him come home from work when it's his job he really loves. And I know that I want it to be good again but it's starting to creep across my mind that it probably won't be. I am so SAD when I think of us...and I really don't think he loves me anymore. I really believe he's staying out of obligation. UGH my mind is a whirling cyclone of thoughts and emotions smacking into each other and creating headaches of thunder and blinding tears of lightning.

I refuse to take meds. I know my depression is a result of my life and not a chemical imbalance. Besides what difference does it make if I'm depressed. My kids are loved, clean, fed and cared for, so who cares if I'm depressed.

ugh this post went from pitiful to pathetic.