Sometimes when you win, you lose

So it goes in the life of a sahm...the world seems to move on and ahead without you. Your once lively creative mind, business sense, and intuition or savvy for the outside world lies sleeping so long that it just doesn't want to wake back up very easily. Life rolls by, day by day, with little change in scenery or adventure (aside from the awesome adventure of 3 kids 3 and under of course). You learn to take immense pleasure in the simple things...an outing for new clothes, the shopping, a haircut...and keep telling the voice in your heart that no, this life is not meaningless...it is the most noble of professions. The heart, as with all matters, doesn't often like the voice of dissent.

I'm watching my husband's career skyrocket. I feel his pride, I reminisce about my professional life and how awesome it felt to be trusted, to be given opportunities you once only dreamed about, to be respected by like- and differing-minded adults alike. I hear the excitement in his voice as he tells me of his travels and challenges. So, does that mean I'm jealous? Well, yes...maybe because of the misconception that this life is less important than my old life. Which it isn't, yet even I suffer from that misconcept. So yes, I miss that life. The nights in fancy hotels, the dinners with respected clients, the jetsetting life. While he's off and running I feel lonely, depressed, fat, and unimportant.

I have only happiness for him. I won't let him see my depression because this job is good for all of us in most senses. Financially it can only be good. It's good for his self-image, which translates into a better husband and father...but those are hard to be when you're not going to be around much. To hear the pride and excitement in his voice makes it a little more worthwhile.

There's really no way to win at this for me.

SSDD

so many of my posts seem to be about my failing marriage. it's the one thing that always seems to bring me to the keyboard. when i don't know where else to go for some reason it drags me back here. so here i go again.

so often when we have a big issue, one or both of us still feels strongly that our relationship can not only survive but be strong again. problem lately seems to be that both of us are nearing giving up. it's like it's just getting too hard to hold on.

i feel like a horrible miserable wife for not being more understanding of his illness. maybe this is all my fault and the way he's becoming is truly a part of his disease. and no matter what happens to us, i'm scared of him dying. i'm scared to death of sitting by his hospital bed watching him waste away and die. i was even in tears trying to figure out how much life insurance i really need on him this morning.

how can there be SO much love in a failing marriage? I KNOW the foundation is there. i still feel it solid under this shaky building. it's just like every story that was added onto our building got shakier and shakier.

Ugh another short post...duty calls.