Pre baby blues?

so i'm ready to admit this morning that i'm depressed. moderately down in the dumps. i've been trying to figure out why...and trying to attribute it to a lot of external factors like tony not being as into this pregnancy as the last two...being stuck home with the boys all day making me crazy...but I think, no, I KNOW the real reason is because of my health. I was insane to get pregnant when I did, and now i'm paying for it with ridiculous weight gain, swelling, headaches, and enough insulin for a nursing home full of diabetics. My spd is worse than ever, my back is a mess, even the slightest household chore is mindbendingly difficult. And the guilt is overwhelming. I keep reliving the first scary week of Nicky's life, and wondering how I could endanger another innocent baby.

Every morning i wake up and think, today i'll get up and take a walk with the boys, and it'll help my sugars, i'll be able to back off the insulin, and maybe i'll stop gaining so much. But every morning it's all i have to get down the stairs with the boys. Yesterday I sewed the massive curtain partition for the nursery and i was a mess the rest of the day with hip and back pain.

I just pray every day that God doesn't make this baby suffer for my selfishness.

oh, btw, if you're going to comment simply to bash my choices, go elsewhere, I don't need your sunshine.