tired anger

today is one of those days you wish you were sleeping through. tony's been in the hospital since saturday night...complications from his ercp procedure on thursday. if they can control the infection, he'll be fine. it's not so much this particular episode that drags me down today, it's the foreshadowing of the future for him. hopsitals, endless explanations of this rare disease to barely competent medical personnel, watching him go between misery and agonizing pain to drug-induced fogs. rushing between hospital and home, to be greeted with waning generosity from caregivers. trying to care about the day-to-day activities of the house that are being neglected...but failing miserably.

i want my husband back. i want his 33-year-old body to FEEL 33, not 83. i want him to be able to go six whole months without needing a vicodin weekend. i want him to be able to mow the lawn and stay awake the rest of the day. i want him to be able to enjoy a MEAL again, and not just eat to live. i want to know WHY...what he had done by 18 years old that was so bad it warranted his devlopment of a horrid disease...that has only led to worse and worse health over the years.

we all know we'll die someday. more harrowing, is that we all know we could lose our partner before we go. somehow knowing that doesn't ease the sadness of learning WHAT will ultimately kill them someday. barring any runaway buses or hijacked planes, etc, this disease will kill him someday.

i'm furious today. flaming furious. my husband is TOO YOUNG TO FEEL THIS WAY. i'm sick of seeing him in hospitals, GI clinics, surrounded by old people. that's NOT my husband. he's young, strong, sexy, vibrant. his body needs to be the same, goddamnit. he has little boys who will need him to teach them how to throw a ball, catch a fish, love their brother, treat women, be a father. he has little girls who need him to walk them down the aisle, always be the big, strong arms that only daddy has.

he has a wife who needs and loves him desperately.