Originally published 06/30/05
An era ended on Tuesday, June 21, 2005...
My maternal grandmother passed away, and with her went the end of her generation in my mother's family. My trip to upstate NY for the celebration of her life and her funeral was a roller coaster of emotion and enlightenment.
Tuesday, 6/21 - The spirit moves on. Knowing my grandmother was dying has kept us on the edge for many weeks, especially since her recent hospitalization. Mother has already purchased tickets to visit the week of July 5. A quick phone call from her older sister, Marcia, lets my mother know that grandma probably won't make it through the day. My sister calls to me in the shower to see about changing mom's flight to get her to NY ASAP. Before I can get on the phone to the airline, mom calls from work...grandma is gone.
A few moments of tears gives way to trying to get 3 immediate tickets, pack for mom, Maria and myself, and set things up for Tony and the kids while I'm gone. We are scheduled on a 9:40 p.m. flight from San Francisco, so we have to be on the road to SFO by 5:00 p.m.
Packed and ready to run at 4:30, mom arrives home at 5:00 and we're off. 4 1/2 hour flight to Newark, then an hour flight to Syracuse, puts us in NY at 9:20 a.m. ... gotta love red-eye flights.
Wednesday, 6/22 - Coming together. Get to the rental car counter at 10:00 a.m. Budget has no record of our reservation, and of course, no cars available. Turns out it was a slight goof on my part on Travelocity.com. What can I say...packing for 3, changing flights and planning a last minute trip in 4 hours time...I was stressed. We end up with a Buick Rendezvous (which we later return for a cheaper car).
Aunt Marcia and her daughter, Laurie, are at my grandmother's house when we arrive after the hour drive from Syracuse. Walking into her house is surreal...and horribly sad. My mother falls apart, as expected, but is greeted by Marcia and Laurie with open, understanding arms. We talk a while, and other family begins to arrive. The family has five siblings, in age order, Walter, Marcia, Jim, Mom (Rita) and Chris. Chris arrives with his wife...he is the baby of the family. Uncle Jim arrives from Syracuse where he lives. The sadness is so thick it squeezes your heart. Finally Walter arrives, and the five are together for the first time in 21 years.
The five siblings go to Kowalzcyk Funeral Home to make grandma's final arrangements.
We check into our hotel, meet the family for dinner, then collapse...having been awake since 7 a.m the day before.
Thursday, 6/23 - The Business of Death. Mom and her family begin the process of handling my grandmother's estate. It's modest, and simple...but flooded with memories. More family arrives...cousins, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, spouses of the children...and as sweet as it is to see each other, each soul that arrives brings another facet of sadness to us all.
Friday, 6/24 - Facing Reality. The morning is uneventful...we decide on last minute wardrobe changes and shop a bit, then in the afternoon we gather for the calling hours at Kowalzcyk. This was where my mother suffers her first blows of the realness of it all...seeing her mother lying still in her dusty rose casket, in her pretty white suit, her rosary from Bethlehem in her hands. She is at peace, free of the pain of her earthly body, free of the work of a woman's life.
As the viewing wears on, I sit for a while near the front of the parlor looking at her small face. At all of 5'2" at her tallest, and maybe 100 pounds, I think of the life she led, the struggles she had. For the first time in my life, I think of her not just as a grandmother, but as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a citizen...a woman. I think of her losing her father when she was aged 3 to influenza. Of her living on a farm with her mother and 3 siblings. Of her being the only child in her family to graduate high school. Of living in a half-built house because it was her husband's dream. Of raising five children on a meager income. Of losing my grandfather 30 years ago to a teenaged drunk driver. Of her losing her older sister, her older brother, her friends...one by one. She was the last in the generation to leave us...and so the generations shift.
Saturday, 6/25 - Saying Goodbye. The family gathers at the funeral home at 8:30 for our last goodbyes. They call the family in order to pay our last respects...friends, nieces/nephews, grand and greatgrandchildren, then her five children. The casket is closed, and we walk together next door to Holy Trinity Catholic Church. As the pallbearers take her through the church doors, the bells toll once in solemn regard for the 88 1/2 years of an extraordinary woman's life.
As we enter the church, mom and her siblings are called to cover the casket with a pure white linen cloth. We take our seats in the pews, and the organist plays. My heart is breaking for my mother, who is seated to my left. Uncle Jim reads his eulogy...his letter to his mother. We receive communion, and grandma is blessed. They take her from the church, and we go...sad but sure that she is home with her Lord.
On to the cemetary we drive. Each of us receives a yellow rose, one of her favorite flowers, and the priest at St. Joseph's. says a prayer for her, and for all of us. We each leave our rose on top of her casket, and while most people leave, the five siblings and a few others stay for her final burial.
I want to scream out...not to let them put my grandma in the cold dark ground. But I only release a silent stream of tears, and hold my mother's arm as she watches them lay her mother to rest, next to grandpa, 30 years later.
As we leave, we talk...remark on how tomorrow would have been their 68th wedding anniversary. That evening, my Aunt Marcia, Mom, Marcia's three daughters (Tracy, Laurie and Leslie), and my sister and myself open Grandma's hope chest. We go through her most treasured items...her wedding gown, her graduation dress, the christening outfits from four of her children, bits of baby clothes, pictures and portraits... all of the things that are important to a woman's life...and the next two generations of the family's women come together to treasure them all. It was an important night for me...to share the legacy of the family's matriarch with my aunt, mother, and cousins.
More to come...
