Pondering...

So, here's a question for tonight...

At what point does it all just become too much fucking work to bother anymore?

When every conversation turns into a fight?

When you look at each other and can't see past the resentment?

Moreover...how the hell do you end up there without realizing it?

You know, though...it all just keeps cementing in my theories about love and attraction. Big ol' fat ruse by Mother Nature to make sure the species survives.

Make women dumb enough to continue to put up with men's shit...so we'll keep having babies.
Make us fall so stupidly in love...so we'll keep having babies.
Make us so enthralled by the ideas of romance and weddings, honeymoons, intimacy...so we'll keep having babies.

I feel duped, and pissed.

I love my kiddos, not even a point to debate here. But in some ways, it feels like my choices for having them were limited by this force...a force for which I've yet to come up with a witty name.

Think about it. Why the hell would we even GET married if not to have kids and further the species? Marriage...in a word, generally sucks. It's so much better to just shack up with someone. When you've both had enough of each other, it's ten times easier to say goodbye.

But I digress...

I'm tired of being under someone's thumb. I'm tired of being scrutinized. I'm tired of being pulled in a dozen directions. And I'm REALLY tired of always falling short of my husband's unrealistic expectations of me. Am I perfect? Faaaaar from it. Am I easy to live with? Probably easier to live with a pissy porcupine. So, I definitely don't blame him entirely for our problems.

But...

I feel at this stage that the only way for him to be perfectly happy with me is if the following scenario were true...

...he comes in from work, house is neat, kids are quietly playing something. Dinner is done or almost done, and my chores are done for the day, meaning no laundry or anything to do after the kids are in bed that might distract me from HIM. Bills are all paid, without ever having to juggle anything or make a mistake now and then. I'm dressed in a manner he appreciates, and I'm in a good mood. He doesn't want to see me cranky after a day with kids, or wiped out in any way. I should have had all my 'me' time BEFORE he got home, so again, I'm not distracted from him. I must agree with everythi...

Nah. Nevermind. Some of it isn't true, though it feels like it. In reality, the only way he's ever going to be happy is if I stop playing in Second Life all together. I'm really angry at him right now.

And I'm really REALLY tired of fighting for this marriage and getting nowhere.

So I refer you back to my opening questions in this post.

Unfuckingbelievable.

I'm so beyond frustrated this morning.

Oct 27, I submitted to my husband. It was a new beginning for us, and some of it still works beautifully. But I should have paid attention to the advice I read that one should not attempt a D/s relationship if the marriage is troubled. And in my case, I now see why.

Somehow, Tony believed that this new relationship meant I was going to give up everything that in any way incensed him, made him feel insecure, made him suspicious...whatever. Which probably sounds reasonable to most people, except every little thing I do causes a reaction of that sort in him. "Who were you on the phone with?" "Why did you close that window when I walked in the room?" "Who are you talking to (while in IM on the computer)?" The answers, of course, don't matter, because no matter what I tell him (the truth, obviously), he continues to believe in "Becky's Nefarious Plan to Destroy Tony". He refuses to listen to reason. He refuses to listen to ANYthing other than his own neurosis. So, I'm going to continue this post just for him. Let us see if I can include everything he thinks I'm doing.

****
I get up every morning and get Gregory to school. Then, I log into Second Life. The only time I'll log off for the next 12 hours is to relog for lag or glitch purposes, or if the game/region/sim crashes. I log in to my home site in world, decide which male player I'm looking to impress today and dress accordingly. If none of them are on, well, I just sit in my apartment and pine over them. So many men...my entire friends list, all forty or so of them, men men men!!! And of course, all of them are in on it. *snicker* Did you know that? I got forty men to agree to be part of my "Becky's Nefarious Plan to Destroy Tony". How GREAT am I? None of them have real lives at all, they're, all part of just my little life.

I might get a little police work in. I might write a report, call upon my creative skills to come up with a new storyline for my character, who is, after all only single because she can't decide among the 934 men who want to be hers. And she only works every second of her life to hang around all those sexy male cops. She really does no police work at all. Her boss is well and truly fooled by the genius displayed to solve cases, write fabulous reports, and run the entire police department when the Chief is not around. Muhahaha! I am viciously awesome.

So, sooner or later, one of those male friends of mine logs on. And let the fun begin! I've mastered the art of keeping the kids happy and their needs met on a level enough to fool the family. Nick actually can cook now. He makes lunch for Fia and himself most days while I sit, fixated on the computer, chewing on whatever edible substance I can grab quickly and get back to the desk. I can't quite get him to wash dishes though. So, everyone getting mad at me for the messy kitchen isn't really my fault. He just hasn't learned to clean up after himself yet.

Midian City...my home away from home. Oh, it's not a hobby, it's where I want to live. Post-apocalyptic ruins, criminals, whores, cybernetic beings, vampires, lycans, nekos...god...heaven on the screen. I'd never log off if I had my own computer and could get the kids to really take care of themselves and the house. I just don't quite trust Gregory with the toilet cleaner yet, and Fia has SO much trouble vacuuming the stairs. Ah, I suppose I'll have to continue to do some of it on my own. Well, they'll just have to live without me in world for 10 or so minutes here and there.

Some days I get a little tired of the post-war chaos. My character has so many men catering to her that it just gets to be TOO overwhelming. So I'll pick one, (because, after all, I can't BE in world without at LEAST one man by my side, can I??) and we'll venture out into another sim. See, I actually get really bored with Midian sometimes. So, I've created in actuality, thirteen other characters!! Most people would log off when they're bored, but not me! And NOT my men! We are ALWAYS in world until someone in our non-SL lives makes it impossible *POUT*

I'll list my characters here for you...you'll see the wide diversity in them, I'm sure. I'll start with the most important ones and work my way down.

Captain Alegria "Al" Dagostino, Midian City. Post apocalyptic dangerous island city. Second in command of the Midian Police Department, Commander of the Special Investigations unit. Sounds like a lot of hard police work, doesn't it? It's not...it's all just a ploy to get to have cybersex with lots and lots of pixels!

Alegria Dagostino, Necrotica Isle. Medieval city in present day, populated with all sorts. Seneschal Vampire in a coven called "Blood of the Sun". Seeking to destroy all evil in hopes of regaining mortality and redemption. Again, pretty awesome plot, huh? Just another ploy. Did I mention how incredibly sexy male vampires are? Momma.

Those are the two biggies. The rest of these are just here and there.

Alie, Fusion Beach. Nude beach bum. The only thing she wears is bling. Flashy jewelry, spiked stilettos, belly ring, tattoos. The ho-iest hair you can imagine. Sex every 10 minutes, boy, I promise you that.

Alegria, Korova Milk Bar. Dancer. Need I say more?

Ale, Thraldom Slave Auction. I get a new master every couple of weeks when they're too exhausted to take any more of me. As long as someone keeps me in a collar, I'm set!

Mistress Alegria, BDSM Haven. Dominatrix for hire. It's nice to have a break from the slave trade now and then. Makes good money too.

The rest of the characters are just variations on those. It's all about sex anyway, so the details really don't matter. As long as I have something to keep me IN world, fucking some male av's brains out, that's all I care about.

I really think I have most people fooled that I'm some sort of writer. Hehehe. Not a chance. But I do take the time now and then to cook up some pretty decent stories just to keep Tony at bay. I spent like, three DAYS writing character bios too, but just for the facade. I don't think it's working anymore, but oh well.

Gosh, I've sort of lost my train of thought thinking about all those men. I guess I'll go do something in my real life (dammit) with my husband and kids (pesky bunch) to try and get my mind off of it all. Tony nailed it...boy...he figured it out...I'm in world because he's just not enough for me. That must be why all the women I know have hobbies. Aly goes to school because her husband won't have sex with her. Janie and Andi learned to crochet, because their husbands are just morons. The list goes on and on. And here, we all thought the hobbies were just because we're sort of interesting people, not just wives and mothers.

****
That's what Tony thinks, anyway. Wouldn't you like to try that out for a day?

Unfuckingbelievable.

Stuck in the middle with you...

So I sort of closed a door on my marriage today. I'm not even sure where I am emotionally right now other than lost. Maybe that's all I am. Lost. I've been living in a fog for a while, most of the time just existing, or...rather, subsisting. There is so little left of me, it's insane. I put all my everything into my marriage for a long time, giving it all, holding back nothing. Which I've always believed is the way to love. What's the point in half-assing it? Well...now I know. The point of half assing it is so that when the shit finally falls apart, you aren't totally lost in it. There's still something left of yourself to grab onto and pull up out of the debris.

I'm stuck in the middle there. Do you love all the way and risk it all, or hold something back and always wonder what might have been?

I guess at least I can say I know I have no questions about that. I gave it all, and I know what might have been, or rather, what was. But where that leaves me is not a pretty place.

I should suppose elaborate on my opening statement and say that I'm not getting a divorce. My reasons are shitty. They're not romantic, they're not interesting, they're not even admirable. But they are all I've got, and I'm sticking to them.

I'm not interested in finding someone else. I'm too passionate, too all-or-nothing, too wild to meet someone. On top of that, there's the whole idea of my kids getting used to another man, and, well...no. I'm not interested in putting my kids in daycare. I'm not interested in working my ass off to pay for said daycare. Am I staying married just for the paycheck? Whip me once, you bet your ass I am. It's a big fucking paycheck, too. But, if he moves out, there's a possibility of another woman taking care of my babies. Whip me again. Then I have to worry about the caliber place my kids are staying in...nonono...forget it. Or, he moves out of state and never sees them.

What if he wants another relationship? He's welcome to it. But he can't leave. He made this bed with me, we're both going to fucking lie in it until our obligation to raise our kids is fulfilled. He can fuck or date anything he wants to when he's out of town (which is most of the time), but when he's home, he'd better be home to see his kids. I don't care if he has a girl in every city. Just leave me alone.

So, I'm sure some of you out there are saying, "Why can't he find another job?" or "What about marriage counseling?" I'll happily answer those both. First, the easy one. Marriage counseling. I agree, love to try it. Problem is, he's never home. One week a month, one session a month. Call me skeptical. I don't think it'd work.

So why not find another job? This is the tough one. He identifies with his job, probably as most men do. He's old school enough that almost feels that his sole responsibility is to provide financially for his kids and wife. I am proud of that. When he got his big promotion and raise this month, my heart and pride were beaming. He started out in the biz with no education, no experience, and went from armored car courier to Operations Manager for a national ATM company. That's a lot of hard work and dedication at the expense of his family. But he did it, and that kind of loyalty is hard to find.

And he loves his job. LOVES his career. How can I hear the excitement and pride in his voice when he talks to me and then let him leave that job? I'm not that evil.

So I'm stuck in the middle again. A job that would allow him to be home more would be ideal. But this man is the textbook definition of passive-aggressive. He'll do it, and if the new job falters in any capacity on his satisfaction scale, guess who'll get the blame? Right-O!

I'm not the sort who does well in a relationship when there isn't any together time. What's the point, anyway of being with someone when you're never WITH that someone? That's the precise reason why I could never be with a military man. I need togetherness, I crave the man I love. Our life feels like a business partnership. He makes the money, I manage it. He pays for the home, I manage it. That part works ok. It's when there's feelings involved that it gets shitty.

So I've told him tonight, that I do not want anything from him in a husband capacity. He is expected to fulfill his obligations as financier and father. He is free to do as he pleases on his own time, but when he's home, to please be home. The rings are off, the past is complete. We are now working together to raise our kids.

And now comes the collective statement: If your marriage is bad, the kids will know it and you're better off apart. Maybe. I might even agree with that when our kids are older. But right now they need him. They need to feel his presence even when he's not here. They need to be surrounded by his things when he's gone so they know he's coming back. I'm a good enough actor, I can fake the shit that looks like happiness for the kids' sakes.

I forgot how much there was of me. So much more than mother. So many things I can do, and do well, that have been forgotten. I've met people in the recent months who have passively and actively reminded me that there's an artist, a writer, a comic, an intellectual, a sympathizer, a listener, and a woman still inside of me. They're right.

They say ignorance is bliss, and I completely agree. When I had forgotten all those parts of me, it was easier. But when I started rediscovering them, something woke up in me that realized how much I'd been missing, and it was pissed. That thing doesn't want to go back to sleep now. And I'm afraid to let it, honestly, for fear that this time it'd be gone for good. There's so much I miss in my life, I'm tired of it. And does reawakening this creature mean that I get all those things? Not really, not all of them, not now. But it does remind me to keep faith that all of me is not dead. All of me is not mother. All of me is still there somewhere.

So I've been stuck in the middle for a few months. Stuck in between a severe inner conflict of trying to learn how to love all of someone without question. Accepting him for everything he is and not believing that he should change. I was almost there. Ready to jump and surrender. But I just couldn't cut the rope. At the last minute I said, no way. That's giving up, giving in, giving away the things in me I need. I've learned that you don't have to love everything in someone. And if there's things in that someone you can't love, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Acceptance, however, is definitely crucial. And while you can learn to accept some things in a person, forcing yourself to accept them all can be self-destructive.

So there it is. I'm in the middle of rediscovering myself and managing my marriage. As one side of that scale gets bigger, the other side shrinks.

But I know this...I will not give up that which has led me to my reawakening. The vessel that takes you back to you is precious. And so it shall remain.

And of course, my heart, tonight is broken. I miss what was. I miss the idea of what now should be.

I have regrets...and that is the greatest regret of all.

Life really does suck...

I'm figuring out a LOT of things in this life as I go. And you know, most of them are really shitty. Life is only what you make of it to a certain point, and then the inevitable takes over. Nature is ridiculously cruel to women after our child bearing is over. The inequity between the sexes is staggering. Kids ruin marriages. Women don't grow cold because we're selfish or angry, it's because the men in our lives check out on us and leave us dangling emotionally for years.

I have been in a downward spiral of a marriage for a while now. I married a selfish, often very childish man. And his neanderthalic (is that a word?) ways are really starting to get annoying. The worst part of all of it is knowing he doesn't respect me anymore (if he ever did). He doesn't even remember what it was like for us when it was good. He TOLD me that. How do you forget?? We've only been together 8 years!

Check out this list of lovely things he's said to me in the past couple of months:

The kids would be better off in daycare
The house is almost ghetto
You don’t care what you look like
Other women get back in shape after pregnancy
That’s a good mommy bathing suit
Are you EVER happy?
What’s wrong today? You’re irritated.

There's some version of one of those most every day.

But where am I left? Why divorce him? Then I have to put my kids in daycare so I can work (although I'm sure he thinks that's better for them anyway), I'd have the headache of visitation. I don't need all that, and I'm not interested in another relationship so why bother? I just wish I could stop caring, like he has. I WANT To give up, I WANT to stop caring, just fuckitall...why can't I figure out HOW to???

Well, imagine that...duty calls.

Murder-Suicide Tragedy

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070530/ap_on_re_us/children_killed

I'm not entirely sure why I started a blog entry for this. I can't come up with much to say that makes any sense. On top of that, I can't see through my tears well enough to type intelligently. Unfortunately I'm unable to stop my mind from imagining the last moments of those children's lives, and what it was like for the Aunt who found the baby hanging but still alive...or what it was like for the people who had to remove those little bodies and take them from the house.

How much does a woman suffer that she turns on her own babies? This isn't evil, if you ask me. It is the result of unanswered cries for help...or no cries at all. She suffered, they suffered, and now they're gone. 5, 3, 2...such babies, such babies. Please take them home, Lord.

One of those nights

It's one of those nights tonight. Up late because of the aftermath of a flooded bathroom. The second hydromess of the day; nick already played in the potty once today. Bathtime was far worse, but oh well...the floor is clean now and there'll be lots of freshly washed towels.

I'm just here tonight thinking of those three creatures upstairs sleeping who have tumbled my world so much since they arrived, each in their own way. Some days I look forward to being finished with the strain of young childhood...but mostly I wonder how I'm going to get by when there are no more little toes, no more baby talk, no more diapers and no more sippy cups. No more cribs, carseats and strollers. No more onesies and light-up sneakers.

What on earth will I do the day I wake up and realize my baby boys are broad of shoulder and deep of voice, and resemble their daddy more than my little angel babies of yesteryear? How does one cull the heartache of knowing her baby girl has turned into a strong, beautiful young woman who reminds her more of herself than she'd like to admit?

I know I have a long time until those days...but how many times do we look back on an event a year ago, or 5 years ago and think, Jesus, how FAST that year went! It can't be FIVE years! I know, before I know it, I'll be sending them off to Kindergarten (Greg's already in preschool), teaching them to drive, watching them drive away on a first date, beaming as they cross the stage to receive their diplomas...

I'll be done soon enough with kissing booboos and folding little clothes. Soon enough it'll be trying to mend a broken heart and keeping up with the latest fashion for young people. Too soon...too soon.

Dear Lord, please...help me remember that while they're very little, they won't stay this way for long. Every day, help me keep my patience, help me cherish every smile, every giggle, every single solitary request for my attention. Help me realize that someday my house will be very quiet and empty...and that I need to enjoy every second of their young lives while I can.

Gregory, Nicky and Fia...you're the heart in my body, the sweetest reasons for living. I love you more than you'll ever know.

Baby Mine...for my Gregory...

This is for you, my precious boy. I love you.

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart,

never to part,

baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,

pay no heed what they say.

Let your eyes sparkle and shine,

never a tear,

baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,

they'd end up loving you, too.

All those same people who scold you,

what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes,

you're not much, goodness knows.

But, you're so precious to me,

sweet as can be,

baby of mine.

Baby Mine, Bette Midler

What the hell

Man, I sure wish I knew what the hell is wrong with me lately. Wait...before I go any further, let me clarify that I LOVE MY CHILDREN AND WOULD NOT TRADE THEM FOR ANYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE OR HISTORY.

Now, that being said...lately I am missing the hell out of my child-free days. I miss the luxury of waking up when I want to on the weekends. I miss being able to take a nap on Saturday afternoon. I miss being able to stay up until 5 a.m. because I can sleep most of the next day. And DAMN I miss my old body!!!

Ok, THAT part I'm working on. 100 lbs lost since Sofia was born and I'm pretty damned proud of that. But OY I have a long way to go. More weight to lose, and tons of toning. And I'm petrified I'm going to need surgery to get rid of the skin. She was so huge, my belly was SO stretched...I'm over 30...I just don't see it tightening back up on its own.

I realized today, I didn't appreciate my pre-baby body for the plus-sized beauty it had. There was a time I could have WORN this dammit:

And would have looked fucking hot, too. Even in my voluptuous body. Now, ugh. Age and childbirth have not been kind to me. I WANT THAT BACK. And I swear to God my hair has stopped growing altogether. It's not bad enough I lose it like made after I have a baby, now it's just at some sort of hideous growth plateau. I want my long, silky, wavy locks back, too. *sigh*

This can't last long, can it? Do most women go through this at some point while they're stuck in domesticland? I love my family, they're the best part of my life. But there's a ME in there that has no place in this life and she's been BEGGING to come out and play. I want to say yes! I've never been 100% content in this SAHM role and now it's really bugging me.

Ah fuck it. I'm rambling. Doesn't matter anymore. Just be a good mommy, get in some wifing time when you can, die with a few bucks in the bank, you'll be set.

Oh and Happy Easter everyone :)